Idiot's Guide to Being a Cards Fan

Things casual Cardinals fans must know in order to be accepted by more seasoned Cardinals fans...

1. There is only one appropriate spot to meet someone before a Cards game. That spot is the Stan Musial statue. If you attempt to meet anywhere else, you will find yourself deliriously circling the stadium like some stupid dinosaur or zombie with no sense of self or direction. This is not fun.

2. Do not scream and cheer for the pop-fly every single time. This lazy attempt to be the first to cheer for a "home run" that is obviously not a home run embarasses the rest of us sitting by you, for you.

3. Although it is fun to sit closer to the field down below because you're closer to the action, the people aren't as fun as the ones further up. The fans down below feel obligated to appear "civil" which, to them, means sitting quietly and only occassionally clapping politely. This is mistaken for civility, when in actuality it is an obvious waste of a seat and fan space. Perhaps we should learn a lesson from these games, and yes, the film Titanic. Having more money doesn't always mean more fun. The power is with you.

4. Having said that, if anyone ever offers you great seats, take them or give them to me.

5. The wave will die down if done at an inopportune time. Do not attempt to start the wave when we are about to score. People will forget to 'wave' and will cheer and clap instead, as they should.

6. It helps if you can differentiate between "hits", "runs" and "errors" on the scoreboard.

7. Know who we're playing that day. It shouldn't be hard, since the opposing team's name is lit up on the scoreboard.

8. Don't talk to me or get in my way while I'm watching the "Cap Dance" routine. I need to correctly answer which cap the baseball is under. So do thousands of other people.

9. About 5,000 people will always leave when there are 24-26 outs. They feel like leaving 5 minutes earlier than the rest of us will save them 2 hours. This is true for every game.

10. If you pay attention, you will know who's walking to the batter's box by their song alone. Case in Point:

• Yadier Molina-Sean Paul's "Temperature".
• Ryan Ludwick-Beastie Boy's "Funky Monkey".
• Albert Pujols- something Jesus-y
• Adam Wainwright-something Country

And songs from past players I will never forget:

• Scott Rolen-Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'"
• David Eckstein-Ludacris's "Number one spot"
• Mark Grudzielanek- Rob Thomas's "Lonely No More"

11. At some point in the future-should you become a seasoned Cards fan who watches a number of games- you'll discover that it's a good idea to mute the game on FSN-Midwest every once in a while to maintain your sanity. You should limit your exposure to Dan McLaughlin and Al Hrabosky or risk taking a bat to your television set. A sense of uncontrollable anger at one of their pointless/uninformative/childish comments is one of the many side effects you may suffer.

12. It's ok to yell at Cubs fans while you're at a game. Some of them deserve it. I've done it before.

13. Although the man is a genius, you are allowed to use the line, "Come ON, Tony" in total frustration during the following moments:

• When he makes his 12th pitching change.
• When the Cards make some amazing comeback and he refuses to even smile.
• When he puts Dennys Reyes in the game.

14. Dennys Reyes is the short, squat relief pitcher who allows hits no matter the game situation.

That's all for today. If anything else pops into my head, I'll make sure to update this list!

The Rules of Boater Shopping

I must have missed the memo. Apparently every boater immigrant who lives in America must shop like they did back home. If you were to find such memo, it would probably look something like the following-

Hello, How you are? You live in country with styoobid leaders bas nice stores. You must shob like smart berson. Not styoobid idiot. Here how:

1. Say "I want...(so and so)" and "Give me (so and so), not 'may I' or 'can I?' or 'can you'. Only styoobid peoples say this. Ex.- "I want the calling card" or "Give me Shawirma" or "Give me that".

2. Always ask, "You speak Arabic?" or "You speak Urdu?" It not matter where are you living. They must speak your language.

3. If you want the bread, ask for it in your language, no matter where you from and where workers from.

4. Order sandwich like you order coffee at the Stars and Bucks. Say, "Give me Shawirma. Give me no pickles. Give me light spice. Give me no onions. I want well done. Give me extra sauce. That first sandwich. For second sandwich, give me..."

5. Comblain on prices. They are so, so expensive. 'Why the bread cost this much? Why the sandwich cost this much? Why the yogurt cost this much?' It is too much! If you buy many things, and cost is too high for you, you say "WOW! That is too much!" Sometimes screaming like monkey in jungle (even if you are dragging oxygen tank around) helbs to lower price.

6. Say, "You looks tired" to workers. They can not hear it enough.

7. Ask for workers to cut sandwiches 10 minutes after you get sandwiches. It not matter if there are 20 beoble in front of you.

8. Leave shobbing carts 8 miles away from store. Workers like searching for carts.

9. Ask for white sauce ingredients. We want the secret. Keeb asking until someone is styoopid and tells you secret.

10. Ask for calling card that you see not there. Then act very, very disabboint. Stand there for 10 minutes to decide what to do next. More drama, better.

And that was memo for today. Make sure you bring your bad kids to leave chocolate bieces all over floor. They must be loud.

one thousand and one thanks,

Boater in Chief

Life Reflections in Disney

I'm an over-analyzer. So much so, in fact, that I prefer essay questions in tests over multiple choice. Maybe because I prefer to prove how much I understand in writing (figures), but multiple choice questions make me feel like the poster child for ADHD. My mind often works like this...

Ok, I want to choose A, because B sounds stupid. But wouldn't C, all of the above, ACTUALLY WORK? Is that what the instructor wants me to choose? You know, technically...hey, is that a bagel? I didn't know you could bring bagels into the test. Wait, I hope no one sees me looking. I'm not cheating. I don't have to cheat. I studied. Crap, I've been spending at least 2 minutes on this question. That average time wasted per question won't leave me enough time to finish this exam. So A, B, or C? Ok, I have to skip this and come back. I hope my stomach growling is not loud enough to distract other people. I think the person next to me just flinched. I'm sorry that it sounds like the Hulk is trying to get out of my stomach. I ate 2 hours ago. I thought I was good. Didn't someone say that C is most likely the correct answer if you can't decide? Or should I go with my initial choice. Damn this teacher and his trickery! Damn him!

I wish I could honestly tell you this is an exaggeration. But it is not. So now you understand the scope of my problem. That said, I was thinking about famous characters from Disney and how they actually represent people you may come across in life. Some of these character traits are a little exaggerated (unless someone is literally trying to usurp your rightful place as king, for example) and some are pretty much right on. You decide who these people represent in your life. In no particular order:

1. Beast (Beauty and the Beast, duh): Looks tough, but is sensative deep down inside. Tries to hide sensativity with a crazy temper. Probably Arab-which explains the hairyness.

2. Captain Hook (Peter Pan): The person that won't let something go. There's persistance and then there's obsessive. Seriously, just let go. It'll improve your health.

3. Centipede (James and the Giant Peach): The person that doesn't know their boundaries. They will keep going until they literally put your group in danger or fighting ensues. Don't be surprised if the cops get involved. Everyone's yelled at them at some point.

4. Doc (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs): The person too old to be hanging out with you. They should probably hang it up and join some sort of harmless, organized fun (i.e. Bingo). Otherwise they'll complain about how their wild days are over the whole time.

5. Dory (Nemo): You hated them to begin with. They still say the stupidest things. It took you a while to appreciate them, but you eventually came around. You might even enjoy their company now. Tell 'em you used to hate them just for the hell of it. They won't care.

6. Fifi the Featherduster (Beauty and the Beast) : Known for promiscuity and sex appeal. This person ain't called the "featherduster" for no reason. (See also-Jessica Rabbit of Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

7. Flotsam and Jetsam (The Little Mermaid): Every a-hole has an entourage. They do nothing but encourage the idiocy of said a-hole. They laugh at all the jokes, provide annoying commentary on mundane situations, and plot evil things. Their eyes might give it away.

8. Flounder (The Little Mermaid): The Robin to your Batman. What's the saying? "A Friend Is Someone Who Will Bail You out of Jail, but Your Best Friend Is the One Sitting next to you Saying 'That Was F***ing Awesome!" (see also-Timon and Pumbaa of The Lion King)

9. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast): Initially thought to be good looking until they spoke. You now wonder why the admiration for their looks ever existed. Looks don't make up for stupid or crazy.

10. Meeko (Pocahontas): How did they get in? You don't know. They're just there.

11. Abu (Aladdin): OH, haha, right...wait...what? Usually nonsensical, this person seems to be around for some talent you apparently can't do without. (See also-Rafiki of The Lion King)

12. Cogsworth (Beauty and the Beast): The little b*tch- always there to tell you what you can't do and why you can't. (See also- Sebastion of The Little Mermaid, Zazu of The Lion King)

13. Scar (The Lion King): As if this weren't obvious...the backstabber. They also may attempt to usurp you from your rightful place as King, depending on your standing in life.

14. Tinker Bell (Peter Pan): The jealous type. There for drama. Usually a victim of responsible for unresolved issues.

15. Thumper (Bambi): The know it all. They correct you even when they're wrong. What you wouldn't give to punch them in the ovaries.

16. Tigger (The Many Adventures of Winny the Poo): An endless source of inexplicable energy. There's no reason to see them late at night or early in the morning.

17. Eeyore (The Many Adventures of Winny the Poo): On suicide watch. The glass is not half empty, it is shattered and currently being used as a weapon to cut themselves with to "feel something".

18. Scuttle (The Little Mermaid): Misinformation extraordinaire. If you want the most fantastic load of crap you've ever heard, you'll probably hear it from this person. They don't mean to lie, but they can't help that they're slow.

19. Pinocchio (Pinocchio): You need to call them on their bull crap or they'll keep at it. "Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to meet at 7!" Stop lying, you LIAR! You and Thumper are such @$$holes!

20. Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland): Creepster. Everyone else seems to like them, but you still don't trust them (and rightfully so). See also: Everyone else in Alice in Wonderland.