What Would You Ask An Arab?

• Who’s your daddy? –Moe Hamdan

The more appropriate Arab question here is, “Who are you the daughter (or son) of?”

Arabs usually identify members of society through the parents. In turn, our parents are often identified by using the name of their eldest son or child. So I am the daughter of Abu Arafat (father of Arafat) or Um Arafat (mother of Arafat).

That’s right… I’m the daughter of the mother of Arafat.

That’s how Arabs roll.

If you want to open Pandora’s Box, ask Arabs how they’re related.

• Why can’t you pronounce the letter p? –Hannah Shalabi

Well, the tale begins with a young man and his monkey side-kick, who- by fate or circumstance- manage to get their hands on a magic lamp. The young man rubs the lamp and a genie exits with much pomp and circumstance. And that's what she said. We'll just stop the story there.

The short answer: borno. bony tail. Stop bicking your nose. Next question iblease.

• Do you have your idea (ID)? –Fifi Ihmoud

Yes, it is in my bocket.

• What’s your mom’s baklava recipe? –Jacqueline Blossfield

A hint of “heck yes”, a dash of “yum” and a lot of love. We need to have a baklava party. You won't get many baklava party invitations. You should jump at the opportunity.

• Have you been reading Ask a Mexican? –Kholood Eid

No. But I want to be a part of “A Mexican asks an Arab”.

• How the heck do you make that shawerma so tasty? –Daanish Faruqi

Our secret recipe is petroleum. Once you start consuming it, it’s hard to break the habit.

Other than that, garlic, sumac and other spices are important. But I wouldn’t be a good Palestinian if I just gave away our secret. It’s hard to hold onto anything that belongs to us these days.

• Why the heck did you leave your country and try to be someone else? You lost both, buddy. –Ruba Abusharif

Most Arabs thought they’d be leaving their country’s politics and economy for upgraded ones. What they didn’t realize was that they’d leave their hearts behind as well. The best way to fix this is to go back home. There you’ll do one of two things: be reminded of why you rightly left in the first place, or have the idea reinforced that you shouldn’t have ever left in the first place. Either way, home is where the heart is! ::violins (or oud) play::

Also, remember, the sand is always grainier on the other side. If that doesn’t help, then the la7im is always tastier on the other side. Still no? The hookah/argeela is always ….oh, never mind.

• Why so blunt? –Dalal Juma

What a stupid question! How stupid of you to ask this question! Just kidding.

Arabs tell people they’re stupid, too loud, too quiet, too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat or funny looking because they take the intended target’s silence as an open invitation for criticism. It’s also a way for the critic to take the attention away from their own flaws.

But the best way to combat this is to walk into a room full of Arabs and start calling them stupid, too loud, too quiet, too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat or funny-looking first. You know, beat them to the punch.

Or you can do what the rest of us do and make jokes about our insecurities, and then cry in your bed at night.

• Why do our leaders suck? Miserable Tyrants! –Randa Abdulkarim

Ugh, they DO suck! I throw my shoe at them! Our leaders suck because human beings suck. We all know that human beings who are in unlimited positions of power are jerks. I’ve never met a person who was in an infinite position of power who wasn’t a jerk. Even leaders serving limited terms are jerks. End of story.

[*Updated Feb.17, 2011: The antidote to terrible leaders is awesome people who, at their collective breaking point, rise and fight the power. It would also help if the U.S. government and other Western powers didn't support these tyrants because it serves their interest, at the expense of Arab citizens and freedom, of course. ]

•  What do you like better, the blad ("the country" aka Palestine)  or America? –Sharif Ead

It depends on when you ask me. When I’m paying bills, working, or giving a geography lesson because no one knows where Palestine is, the blad is better. When gangs of dogs are waking me up from sleep or an old, blunt Arab woman is calling me fat or an idiot, I like America better.

• Cheef il business? –Waheab Yaghnam

Al business zift.

• Fateh or Hamas? –Safi Eid

Neither. [See “Why do our leaders suck?”]

• Why ya hate black people?! –Hamida Hashi

Well, I'm Arab and I do not hate black people. I’d like to think I judge people by the content of their character and not the color of their skin. As for the Arabs you refer to, they, like any other race, can succumb to ignorance and false feelings of superiority. They, of course, don't represent everyone.

I think honest Arabs can own up to the fact that their societies don’t always treat minorities any better than Arabs are treated in other societies. Having an open and honest discussion on race could do the Arabs good. But I don’t think this is strictly an "Arab" problem. Hello history of man!

• How long have you been in America? –Nijeh Juma

Long enough to make a commemorative plaque. Also, I’m pretty sure that if I went to ancestor.com and paid for a membership, I’d find some long lost relatives in the US.

• Why do you hate the jews? -Shadi Abdelaziz

Ah, the dreaded "why do you hate jews?" question. I do not hate Jews. I hate it when people make blanket statements like "Arabs hate Jews". This claim of anti-semitism takes the attention away from the policies of an apartheid Israeli government that touts its false democracy while systemically driving Palestinians from their land and ignoring international law. I don’t care if you’re Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Atheist. That's wrong and unjust. I hate injustice!

• So is your Allah like our God? –Shadi Abdelaziz

We’ve already copyrighted  “Allah bless you” after a sneeze. We’re working on “In Allah we trust.”

• So…what part of Arabia are you from??? –Shadi Abdelaziz

The best part: No part.

Heeeeeeeeey! OOOOOH! Hey! Who said that?!

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And finally, here’s a fun Debbie Downer quote from my dad. Just because.
“My son’s lazy and #6 doesn’t work on the calculator.” ::Waa Waaaa::