Life in the Third World

I'm ready to let you know a little bit more about my life. I'm not only a Cardinals fan, ya know. Sure I love that team with the enthusiasm of a fat man at a buffet, but there's more to my life than sports. One of the biggest experiences that have shaped the way I am and how my life has become was having lived in Palestine for five years. Chances are, unless you lived under a rock for most of your life, you've heard about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. I'm not here to get into specifics (we'll save that for another day). Instead I thought it would be interesting to point out the most memorable parts of my life, living in an occupied country. I didn't live in the best or worst situation, just our own personal situation for that time. Here's what I learned.

• Lizards are really hard to kill. No seriously, they're like Superman. I found myself having to go serial killer on their ass' and chop them into pieces. It seems that they can regrow tails. So, if you're ever in the situation where you have to duel a lizard, go for the head or run.
• British people call garbage the "rubbish". It gets even more awkward when they ask you to throw the rubbish into the rubbish. I'm not judging. It's just that I've never heard an american tell me to throw the 'garbage into the garbage'. I mean, you have to add the word "can" in there or use some variety.
• Misquitos are assholes everywhere. Their job is to buzz into your ear, prevent you from sleeping and suck your damn blood. We should stop calling convicted criminals 'felons' and start calling them "misquitos".
• Water is taken for granted in the United States. There were days when there was water and there were days when there wasn't water. Whenever there wasn't water it was the damn Israeli government's fault and whenever there was water, it trickled down like the anorexic part of nature that it was.
• You shouldn't allow your brothers to roll you in a barrel. Even the empty one that's supposed to collect the anorexic water. I learned that a certain washer and drier sort of experience occurs. If you do intend on rolling in a barrel, make sure you hold onto the opening or you're screwed.
• Guys are very perverted no matter what part of the world you're in. I don't know if it's some sort of need to grab attention or whatever Freudian crap you guys go through, but you will sing, dance or stalk a girl anywhere you are in the world. It seems that there's a little bit of Broadway in all of you. Redirect your talent for cheesey, perverted lines and cheap entertainment into your life ambitions and we might have something.
• Scorpians and Snakes are ,indeed,as scary as you think they would be. They aren't any smaller or less scary than they appear on T.V. and they will probably kill you even if you try to avoid them. I find that throwing a large rock at them from a safe distance is the best bet to kill them before they kill you. Don't worry, there is no guilt associated in their death and someone will eventually brush them off the side of the road.
• There exists a breed of Teenage Mutant Ninja Ants. Seriously, these things have grown to three times their size and they hurt you. They are very aggressive and can probably each eat a pizza.
• Americans don't know what sunsets look like. In America, there's that hot, bright thing that kind of disappears as evening falls. In Palestine, there's a huge mass of a star that sets over a back drop of a thousand scenic colors where you don't know where heaven begins and Earth ends. There's a horizon and everything. It's crazy beautiful.
• You can survive off of oranges. Apparently, as five of my other family members and I moved into our grandparents abandoned, built pre-1967 war, 1 bed room home that's located on the grave yard, my mother forgot to actually buy groceries and made sure to stock up on an endless supply of oranges for the first week or two.
• Graveyards aren't that scary. Um, at least, not in the day time.
• When the government tells you to avoid a certain food item, listen to them. I was told not to drink this fruit drink but was left with no choice when I found myself at school during lunchtime and having only a half shekel (the equivalent of 15 cents at the time) and "fruity" as the only liquid I could afford. Needless to say, I was food poisoned for a week.
• Some schools won't stop selling items deemed dangerous by the government. I mean, what the hell?
• Dogs left on their own in nature go crazy -bezerk, cats left on their own remain regular ol' cats. I don't know how many times we were awaken in the middle of the night by gangs of dogs rivaled only by the 'Bloods' and 'Cryps' of Los Angeles. Cats on the other hand, just want some free food and they're good.
• American candy has monetary value among Arab-American children in the Middle East. We saved our American candy for special occasions, close friends and bribes. These things were the equivalent of cigarettes in prison.

Well, that's all I got for ya. There are many more lessons for me to teach you, but alas, my time is up for today. Look forward to future lessons from...

LIFE IN THE THIRD WORLD.

Doubt? What Doubt?

Ok, so I have to admit, with two strikes,two outs in the 9th inning and the Cardinals facing a 4-2 deficit, at Houston none-the-less, I had my doubts. Just an inning and a half earlier, the Astros' Lance Berkman had effectively driven the proverbial knife through my heart with his three run homer off of Cardinals' ace, Chris Carpenter. "This can't be happening," I thought to myself. The sudden realization of the Cardinals pending elimination, all the hard work gone in 5 measly games and our iconic Busch stadium no longer being of use, had finally weighed down unto my stunned soul. "This isn't over!", I angrily and defiantly yelled to my sister, but the tears slowly coming to roll down my face told otherwise. And so, with those two outs and two strikes in the top of that ninth inning, my sister and I watched the Cardinals' set-up man David Eckstein deliver a hit that extended the game and our season, in patient silence. The only sound to be heard was the room's loose fan, creaking as it slowly rounded, almost as if we were in a hospital room and a loved one lay on their death bed. My sister and I had decided that we would watch the game until the last out, with the plan to change the channel as soon as we saw the game come to an unmistakeable end. We wanted to make sure it was over, but didn't want to watch, or hear, the city of Houston celebrate. "keep your finger on the buttons!", I yelled at Nan. "I know, I know!!!", she yelled back. We were also intent on muting out the play by play anouncers, as they had begun to describe how long the Houston Astros were waiting for this moment. This wasn't a moment to cheer for Cardinal fans. It was one of mourning over the loss of our season and stadium. My sister and I were not going to let that sacred moment become ruined by Houston's jubilation and the broadcasters' insensative comments that were effectively announcing us dead, even as we were still making our last attempts to breathe. Edmonds came up to the plate and I still yelled to Nan to keep her finger on the remote. "Game 6, Game 6, Game 6...", she chanted, referring to Edmonds dramatic walk-off homer in game 6 of the NLCS, a game we had attended a year earlier. "No, No, that won't happen", I sullenly replied. And yet, with the creaking fan above us, we watched, almost in a trance. It was too painful to watch, yet too important to abandon. "Can you turn off the fan?"Nan asked, and in an almost comical way, the fan's creaking seemed to die away as a heart monitor would in a hospital room. But Edmonds drew a walk from the unshakeable Brad Lidge and the best hitter in the game came up to the plate. The game sort of built up for this At-Bat. Pujols had failed to deliver any runners in scoring position both in the 1st and 3rd innings. Still, Pujols is the best hitter in the game and if this game was going to end, at least it would with our best chance out there on the field, in the batter's box. With an 0-1 count, Lidge left a hanging slider for Pujols to hit a monster 3 run game winning homer. Flair for the dramatics? Yes. A beating pulse for the Cardinals? Yes. Two girls screaming, jumping and clutching each other like over-grown infants? Yes. Of Course. Boy was that home-run amazing. Our beloved Cardinals' win left us in a sort of daze. We walked around in a dream-like state, repeating the words, "I can't believe that", over and over again. With the miracle fresh in our minds, my sister and I went off to pray. There was no other way to explain it, it had to be some sort of divine intervention. Even if you don't believe in that sort of thing, you have to admit, that was a pretty special Home Run. Sure the Cardinals are still down 3-2 in the series, but until Wednesday night Cardinal fans can rest assure that our ball park and team are still alive and kickin'. Our big guys pulled through. We turned off that creaking fan, only to hear that towering shot give our team a strengthening heart beat. Andy Pettitte was seen in the dug-out reacting to that Home-Run with an "oh...my..Gosh." Astro fans were heard screaming, "Nooooooooo", in the dramatic way only seen in movies. Cardinal fans presumably all turned their fans back on, in need of cooling down after all that jumping and hollering they endured, explaining to each other the moment they knew we still had a shot at this thing. Then, slumped in exhausted relief. Oh my Gosh, indeed.

Prize Photo

That's me on the right, laughing and yelling in desperation for the lady to take the picture and that's Nan on the left, cheesin' and running at the same time. But we got our photo by the champ flags in the forbidden area! moohoohahahaaa

Cardinals vs. the World

Oh geez. I couldn't be happier. Well, I could be happier if .....the Cardinals win the world series! AHHHHHHHH. That is a very feasable possibility. After sweeping the overmatched Padres, the Cardinals are on their way to playing their new rivals, the Houston Astros. After last year's NLCS, I don't expect anything less than another classic of a match-up. Here's my analysis of the post season thus far.

• The Red Sox and Yankees were eliminated in the first round. Although this poses a problem for the networks who were hoping for a rematch of last year's ALCS and ratings galore for their dirty/greedy little hands, that won't be the case. For baseball lovers, this is an opportunity to have a 'clean' World Series, free of the evil- super duper rich teams.

• Yesterday, some of the media were whining about the scheduling for the teams playing in the ALDS/ALCS. Something about having to play 2 games in a row because of a rain postponement and traveling across the country. I dunno. Screw 'em. Let the babies whine. They didn't care about the Padres/Cards fans when we were scheduled at the insanely unfair time slots. One of the games were on at 10 am on a weekday for the West Coasters, while the Cardinals' clincher was scheduled at 10 pm my time (central time) with the game not finishing until after 1 am. That is how they treat the team with the best record in all of baseball? All of this so that the Yankees/Angels game, the network's priority, could be shown at primetime hours for the country. This isn't the first time Major League baseball has scheduled a Cards post-season game that started at 10 am or pm for the teams involved. Bud Selig apparently said this would never happen again a few years ago. (*smirk) Not only were our scheduled times disrespectful, but the media is claiming it would only be fair to switch the starts of our games so that the NLCS play a day earlier (today) and the ALCS teams get a day off so that they could play tomorrow. Boo freaking hoo. That would only inconvenience our fans again by changing our plans at the last second. I had these tickets for a month now and asked off of work for Wednesday, not Tuesday. They should just deal, like we had to. Maybe it's Karma. Either way, Major League Baseball got theirs. Although I'm sure they won't learn from their unjust mistake, I will revel in the fact that their prioritizing got them in this little mess in the first place. Moohoohahaaaaaa.

• I don't want to face another 'cursed' team in the WS, if we're fortunate enough to make it. (fingers crossed, please God, Pleeeeease let us win) I'm sick of this "awww, they haven't won in 5,000 years, how sad, let's root for them" crap. What about my needs??? lol.

• I just found it interesting how the BoSox last out recorded was a groundball by an old fan favorite, Edgar Renteria. Seems the If you can't beat 'em, join 'em idea kind of backfired on my old buddy. *cheesey grin.

ok, so I went to the last regular season game at Busch. Everything about the game was goosebump-worthy. The fans were told to sing the National Anthem on our own. No sucky musician to forget the words, no famous face jumping on the bandwagon or posing as a Card fan for the day, just our thousands of voices in unison. The Cards won a comebacker, which I guess is appropriate. After the game, everyone, I mean, everyone stayed for the ceremonies. Over a hundred former and current players were called onto the field. There were videos about those who passed, about our old friend Jack Buck, and about the game of baseball that moved people to tears. The ceremony closed out with the Clydesdales coming out and circling Busch. That was unexpectedly more exciting than I thought it would be. The season just flew by. The only thing that could make this year more perfect were if we could just win that WS.

I also went to game 2 of the NLDS. Fun Fun Fun. Even if the seats we had were kind of sucky, I refuse to go any further in complaint because the important thing to me was winning. We had our thunder stix and I made sure they were put to use. Loud use. Me and Nan got some cool pictures. Our favorite was the one by the championship flags way up high above the outfield. I didn't know we could move our way over to them. As we were trying to get our picture taken, an usher-dude/ championship flag-area Nazi was yelling at us for being up there. He was literally yelling his ass off and saying something about having had a man removed from that area in cuffs. Our photo is kind of telling as we yelled at the lady to hurry and take the picture, meanwhile the guy's still yelling his butt off. It was kind of a "Damn it, Johnson,pull the trigger!" movie moment . But when you see the picture, you'll know it was all worth it.

Tomorrow and the day after I go to games 1 and 2 of the NLCS. Please God, Please let us win.

GO CARDS!

Flavor of the Day

Here's what I'm diggin' right now... If you haven't seen, tried or heard of the following, look into it!

TV SHOWS

• Everybody Hates Chris

Let's get this straight...everybody really loves Chris Rock and those people who tell you they don't think he's funny, well, they don't exist. It's based on his childhood with wonderful actors, funny Rock-quips, and an aura of The Wonder Years. Get ready to enjoy UPN on Thursday nights. UPN, Thursdays @ 7 pm

• The Family Guy

When critics use the term "laugh out loud funny", they usually disappoint. I watch movies, imagining the lone critic laughing to himself as the others angrily 'shhh' him. But I won't disappoint you. This show is really laugh out loud funny. There are moments where laughter transforms into silent gasps of air as the writers deliver hilarious line after hilarious line. Although all the characters bring life to the show, look for Stewy, the psychotic, diabolical baby whose always up to no good, plots to kill his mother and sounds like an old Shakespearean soul whose a little on the "I'll rule the world" side of things. Also, be prepared for the barrage of pop culture references or be square. FOX, Sundays @ 8 pm

• Grey's Anatomy

Ah yes, I know what you're thinking. Not another hospital show. Well, get it together and prepare to fall in love with doctors all over again. The actors are beautiful, the writing is smart, the show is fresh and the characters are perfect. It offers drama mixed in with more drama and humor..oh the intelligent humor. I'm tellin' ya, if you watch one episode and not fall in love, something is wrong with you. Don't let the pre-show Desperate Housewives hoopla throw you. This show is really good. I look forward to this show like I used to look forward to FRIENDS. uh huh. Now go watch the best show on television. ABC, Sundays @ 9 pm

Well, that's all I got for today...if ya don't know, now ya know.

Who's the hermaphrodite?

So I decided to do something different. Instead of just writing about whatever, I took some time out of my game-watching to write some notes about things that caught my attention or that I just decided to write at the time. Here we go..

• I'm really excited because I get to watch the Cardinals game on ESPN. This never happens. They always black us out because FSN-Midwest always carries us. Even if Jeff Brentley, ew, is the play by play man, I'm still excited. I love getting a national perspective. And sometimes I just need a break from Dan flippin' McLaughlan or whatever the hell his name is.
• It's the Bottem of the 2nd inning and Jeff Brentley uses the word "unsurety". He says something along the lines of "even the unsurety of it...". "Unsurety" sounds awkward. Maybe it is a word, I still don't like him. This is exactly why Jeff Brentley is "Jeff, ew, Brentley" and not "Jeff, hell yeah, Brentley".
• I like how they talk about Mike Lowell, the Marlin's 3rd baseman, and his struggles at the plate this season. The broadcasters' stress how the anguish is visible in his eyes and, on cue, Mike Lowell picks his nose. I love live television.
• Pujols was just robbed of a homer by Miguel Cabrera! grrrr. But he had an awesome at bat, fighting of many pitches before driving one into the outfield for a double.
• Damnit, I lost ESPN to a Braves/Nat game. Alright, Dan Mc-something, torture me with your cynicism.
• I love Yadier Molina's reactions. He's like a kid playing out there. He looks so cute even after striking out, with an "aw-shucks" oh-so-expressive face.
• It's the top of the 5th and it looks like Scott Seabol spit in Grudzielanek's hair in the dugout. I'm sure I was seeing things, but what if that were really caught on camera?
• Commercial Break: It's really sad seeing the way peoples' lives were affected by hurricane Katrina. But I don't like CNN's hurricane music. Who creates that? Like, "ok, I need you to make some depressing music for a tragic situation, but there should be drums beating, as if we were in a jungle...a tragic jungle."
• Ok, back to the game.With the way Molina started the season, who woulda thought he'd bat clean-up?
• Diaz keeps walking by Taguchi holding his waist in the dug-out. ok we get it, Diaz, you like him. Give the man some air. I can tell he's the touchy-feely type. I wonder if anyone ever spits in Diaz's hair.

ok, that's all I got from the game. Except, there was a rain delay, we were up 10 runs before some call-up on the Marlins' side hit a Grandslam in his first major league AB. His name was something like Hermadite or Hermad or Hermaphrodite. Either way, we won 10-5.

GO CARDS!

Barry a la Zito

Ahhhh, Barry Zito. This guy was meant to be something, even if it didn't involve baseball. Why? It helps immensely that he's the most attractive athlete out there. Hey, hang in there. You don't have to agree. That's more Zito for me. Let me just tell you how I got there. Oh, I know that women swoon over another obvious choice, Tom Brady. But I'm convinced that if I could shrink him to doll size, small enough for Barbie's dreamhouse, he'd fit right in with the whole Barbie gang. I'm gonna be honest with you. That scares me. Just in case Tom Brady ever gets ahold of this little piece here, though, I love you, man. I didn't mean any of this. (He could get ahold of this. It's possible. You know, after the aliens from planet xyblog-6 take over the Earth, teach us how to clap with our nostrils and rocks become a delicacy for the Human race..but it's possible) Now, Jeter and A-Rod have got that multi-cultural look happening, but it's like they're morphing into the same person. Two superstars on the same team who appear to be clones and are obsessed over by the media? Nope, not for me. Plus, they remind me too much of Burt and Ernie. Take what you will from that. I'm just putting it out there. I'm not saying they look jaundiced or that (theoretically) Jeter carries around a rubber ducky... although, if I were to cast them, Jeter would actually be the one playing poor cranky Burt and it would be A-Rod as Ernie with his questionable rubber duckie.Don't act like you don't agree. But that's besides the point. While we're on the topic, though,I don't blame Burt for his crankiness. You try living with a guy obsessed with his rubber duckie, who always asks stupid questions. I'd be anal too. "Hey Burt, what day is it Burt? Burt, Burt? Have you seen my Rubber Ducky, Burt" I guarantee you Burt is patiently plotting a way to destroy Ernie an' I heard the plan involves the duck and some laxatives. I don't know what that means either, I'm just tellin' you what I heard. Anyways, David Beckham is fashionably cute, yes. It's just that the poor man sounds like they take soccer practice shots off his groin. The guy's voice is a couple pitches higher than mine and I ain't no Stalone. But Zito? There's just something about Zito. Is it the Athletics uniform? I have to say that does play a role. They all sport the stylish surfer-dude hair look, with Zito leading the pack. If it wasn't for poor Danny Haren's perpetual "A-Durrrr" look across his face, the team could have its own Calendar. (It's ok Danny, I understand. It's the exhaustion) Also, any man comfortable enough with himself to carry around stuffed animals all across the country, while owning a guitar AND Cy Young has earned his bonus points with me. Does it help that the sound of his name makes me crave pasta? Yes, people, it does. Zito would sound wonderful with some Parmesan cheese. This is not just a statement. It is a well documented fact. At this point you should be having these weird feelings you can't figure out... Don't worry, its only hunger and confusion. That wasn't my intention. I apologize, but thanks for stickin' with me. Hopefully you might understand my infatuation with an Italian kid from the West Coast who holds the key to my heart, and apparently, my stomache.