Hot Microwave Report

You can say St. Louis has been pretty cold since last week's winter storm. Apparently the winter signings in Florida were just a warm up to the fat deals we'll be seeing this offseason. I've got to say that I'm unnerved by the unpredicatability of it all. I'm in limbo between wanting to enjoy our World Series Championship and wanting our team to improve. It sounds kind of funny insisting there's room for improvement on a championship team but if you paid attention to our team last year, you'd know that we were an exception to the rule.

The Cubs are finally going into panic mode. Apparently they cannot patiently endure another cursed team or rival winning their own championship. Not that I blame them. If I were the Cubs and I just witnessed three years in a row of the Red Sox breaking the curse, the White Sox breaking their own 80+ years of heartache and their Central Division/83 win Cardinal rival winning the World Series, I'd kind of lose my bonkers too. So they're dishing out the big bucks but somehow I see these players getting injured or something. Just call it a hunch.

Needless to say, I really want to go to a Cards-Cubs game next year. Besides the usual banter I'll enjoy, there's the added twist of seeing them in complete misery..well...okay, I'll be honest. The pathetic misery thing just doesn't do it for me. I like to see them think they'll win, and then lose. The whole "yeah, we're pathetic and you won the WS and we're gonna go cry in our corner and maybe buy a hotdog on the way over" look takes the fun out of the banter. But if the Cubs fans are as predictable as I think they are, they'll think next year is their year. They'll believe that this new team is unlike any other they've had before and coupled with the belief that everyone who deserves a win is getting their turn, they'll be excited. As one Milwaukee Brewer fan pointed out:

"...they have a superiority complex with nothing to back it up given that they haven’t been in a World Series since Harry Truman was in the White House".

Those are the Cub fans I want to point and laugh at next year.

On to more important things, pitching is something the Cardinals are obviously looking for. I like that they made sure to tie up Carpenter. Geez louise these sub-par pitchers are getting a freak load of cash. I would like Suppan to sign with us because he's been, at times, our best pitcher in the post-season. But as luck would have it, that is also part of the reason teams with the moolah are gonna throw it at him and probably steal him away. (Damn those money mongering fools!) And then Tony and Dunc will have to find some cast-away repair project and think they can fix him. They've done it before but I've got to say, projects frustrate me. For once, can we have a pitching staff that doesn't need to be "fixed" during the season, like they're a bunch of those kids from "Dangerous Minds". Okay, that was me unnecessarily complaining, but I've got to make you believe that things aren't always peachy keen with my opinion of Cardinal logic. But seriously, last year I had a coronary heart attack and I'm not just saying that because I watch Grey's Anatomy or ER. The 83 win season gave me a reason to jump off a bridge. If it weren't for my general ability to recognize that jumping off bridges is bad, very bad, I probably would have done so.

But, as I've said every time I feel down, "At least we won the World Series". That's been my attitude this winter as ice/snow storms attacked my city, every time the Rams and Blues lose and whenever something that usually ticks me off occurs now. Heck, I even bought an Asian inspired noodle packet from Walgreen's yesterday and found out the soy packet that is vital to the essential reason I like the taste of this meal was missing from my noodle container. Now, this would usually give me a hunkering to attack the Walgreen's I bought it from. Perhaps I might've thrown the tasteless disarray of noodles at the "pharmacy America Trusts" (they lose the soy, they lose my trust), but on this occassion I realized that winning the World Series made a bad situation go from "DAMN THEM ALL! They're gettin' a bland noodle drive by!" to "DAMNIT! okay, on to plan B". So thank you Cardinals.

"No, dear, this movie is bullsh*t"

Ugh. I'm so bored. I wanted the Cardinals to win, but I didn't want them to stop playing! I just wish they could play and win everyday for the next 3 months. Is that so bad? It could be worse. I could be a Detroit-er (whatever, just go along with that)and feel the pain of loss for the next 3 months. I'm not mocking them. Lord knows, 2004 taught me to be nice to losers. Unless you're a Cub. In that case: "Bow down to me, infidel".

So,to get my mind off of the non-playing, I've decided to go down memory lane. See, I had to write a character review for one of my classes a few weeks ago and we had the choice of writing one based on someone who's a good role model or not, backing up why we thought so. That got me to thinking. Who's the shittiest excuse for a character out there. Who are the characters that are likeable by memory but through further analysis show they actually suck. In other words, who will I be telling my children to stay away from?

1. The Little Mermaid: When my daughter watches this movie, I'll tell her that being the skinniest girl in the neighborhood doesn't matter, being 16 does not make you eligable for marriage, and losing two legs to get a man is unforgiveable. For example, I would not bless my daughter if she decided to grow a tail and marry a dog. Rules are rules. "If she really were responsible," I'd tell her, "Ariel would have known not to take mysterious medicine from a witch/Octopus." Ariel might as well have been taking crack for all she knew.
2. Molly Ringwald-Pretty in Pink: The poor character Ringwald plays is dissed by her rich boyfriend after he caves in to peer pressure and decides not to take her to the dance. Who's there to rescue her but her best friend who despises school dances but, because he loves her, takes her to it anyway. What does she do once she gets there? Within the first five minutes, she leaves her best friend for the rich jerk who already made the wrong decision. Way to go movie-makers with a message. Way to go.
3. Cinderella: This one hurts too, but think about it. If you're ugly, it's probably because you're mean and have feet made to flatten land. New members of your family will probably treat you like a slave. (By the way, what is up with Cinderella's dad marrying that bitch? Was that a wrong judge of character of what?) Talking to rats, even cute fat ones that stutter, is not cool. And why wouldn't the cat be evil, he was named after the devil. Lucifer? Hello, he was screwed from the get-go! Do not blame the cat, people. Do not blame the cat.
4. The Wizard of Oz: That good witch Glenda, the one that's supposedly pretty, is a bitch. "Only bad witches are ugly" she said. If I ever wanted to reach into a screen and punch a character, it was Glenda. She ain't even that pretty. And she overdresses. I mean, who wears a ball gown on the job? It's not like she's "Glenda the princess"...she's a witch.Be modest, hoe.

Well, that's all I can think of. I'll try to update this list later.

By the way,as a Rams fan, I want God to put the Rams out of their misery and end this season. And as a Blues fan (although watching them lose for the last 2 yrs hasn't been a priority) I kind of wish next year would be here already too. Gosh, this is what losing is like. This is what the Cubs must feel like every year. Interesting.

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series

ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere...

ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere of a season featuring the kind of heartwarming, storybook ending to which they have grown accustomed in recent years.

"I'm still struggling to understand how this could have happened," said a sober Tony La Russa during a press conference following Game 5. "It seemed all but certain coming into this series that we were going to be a part of something truly special, that we would easily put the finishing touches on a magical season that inspired millions of fans around the country, but instead we somehow ended up winning."

"It's disappointing, to say the least," La Russa added. "We were rooting for the Detroit Tigers just like everyone else."

According to Cardinals players, they "tried absolutely everything" in their pursuit to earn the Tigers their first world championship since 1984, including eliminating the far more dangerous New York Mets in the NLCS, entering the series completely unrested after a grueling seven-game series, starting a rookie pitcher with five career wins in Game 1 in Detroit, and postponing Game 4 due to rain in the hopes that an off day would swing the momentum back in the Tigers' favor.

"I don't know what we could've done differently," second-baseman Ronnie Belliard said. "We gave the Tigers every opportunity to win ballgames, but when their pitchers keep making errors on simple ground balls, what are we supposed to do, pretend we forgot the rules and start running to third base?"

Desperate for a Tigers win in Game 2, the Cardinals chose to overlook the fact that starter Kenny Rogers was pitching with the aid of a foreign substance on his left hand. "Of course we all knew it was pine tar, but it seemed like they were finally finding their rhythm… We certainly didn't want to shake their confidence, so we decided to just let it go," La Russa said. "Frankly, if the umpires didn't bring it up, we probably would've let him pitch with it the whole game."

After the final out of the World Series was recorded, the stunned Cardinals retreated to their dugout and watched with disappointed, glazed-over expressions as the Detroit Tigers—the feel-good team of the season whom everyone expected to win it all—packed up their equipment in the dugout across the diamond.

According to Albert Pujols, some teammates took the World Series victory harder than others.

"For a lot of young guys like [Anthony] Reyes and [Yadier] Molina, this was their first chance to see an exciting, inspirational, and truly deserving team win a championship," Pujols said. "Even though the outcome of this series has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth, I can handle it, because I was there in 2004 when we were able to see Red Sox beat us in the World Series. Man, what an incredible feeling that was… Just watching those guys celebrate, I really felt like I was seeing history unfold before my eyes. It was definitely my greatest baseball moment."

"I hope we have the chance to see something like that again next year," Pujols added. Reporters and sportswriters around the nation were critical of many of La Russa's successful managerial decisions, second-guessing such effective moves as leaving staff ace Chris Carpenter in for more than five innings in Game 3, and failing to bench third-baseman Scott Rolen, who batted a team-high .421 in the series. La Russa, however, said that things would be different next year.

"I think I speak for my players, the front office, the coaching staff, and every fan in St. Louis when I say that all season long, we had just one goal: bringing a championship to the great city of Detroit," La Russa said. "And even though we failed this time around, we will be committed to achieving similar goals next season."

In the somber clubhouse following the victory, Cardinals centerfielder Jim Edmonds admitted that "the wrong team won," but said that the outcome of the 2006 World Series is "just something we're unfortunately going to have to live with."

"Nobody thought we could do this, nobody thought we could stop this powerhouse team that beat the odds to go from worst to first and rolled through the playoffs looking like they were invincible," Edmonds said. "And we thought we had taken every possible step to prove them right."

"We shocked the world," Edmonds added. "We're sorry."

I'm Going to Disney World!!!!!!!

What does one say when a dream of theirs comes true and how long does it take to efficiently thank God for what He's Provided?

These are some of the things I've had to ask myself since last Friday October 27th, the day the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals, yes THE 83 win St. Louis Cardinals, beat the Detroit Tigers 4-2 to win the World Series in 5 games. The Cardinals are world champions?! I've been digesting this fact for more than 5 days now and I've yet to get over it. I still find myself going back to the moment we won, the fresh memory lulling me into a stupor I've never been more happy to have. I giggle to myself in my car, smile on the streets and sigh blindly into the ceiling of my bedroom at night before I fall asleep and again as I wake up to relive Friday night over and over and over...

The hours before the game dragged along as slowly as I knew they would. At work, I read up stories about my Cardinals from every which way: Stltoday.com; ESPN.com; CNNSI.com; mlb.com; USAtoday.com...the pages flew before me from one site to another, my hunger for Cardinal coverage all consuming.

I was supposed to attend a "Eid Party" I had been invited to but had made up my mind to stay home in the 24 hours I had realized we could clinch. After all, if I was going to witness the first Cardinals WS championship victory in my lifetime, I had to savor every single moment. I couln't have any distractions beyond my control. None.

As fate would have it, at home we were all distracted by the stupidest things possible. First, there were Ibrahim's toenails. Never one to miss an opportunity, he picked the most inappropriate time to clip his toe nails. As Banan and I urged for him to stop, he tried (and failed) to convince us that the longer he clipped his toenails, the more Justin Verlander walked men on our team.( In a slip of insanity, I almost believed Ibrahim's toe nails actually yielded that kind of power) kholood and Banan had snapped at eachother over whether Kholood would eat too loudly. Finally, there were the cupcakes Kholood brought. "I want the one with sprinkles!" (Ibrahim) and "No! The cupcake with sprinkles is mine, thief!" (me) were actually exchanged. Yes, it's true, we argued over the cupcakes with sprinkles. But to be fair, at no point that night did we call eachother doo-doo face or fart and laugh.

I couldn't believe how well Weaver was pitching or that Duncan played so poorly in right field (I've made up with him since). And I absolutely, positively could not believe Justin Verlander threw that ball away from 3rd base. When that happened, the superstitious part of me started to toy with my emotions. With knots in my stomache, I started to grasp what was happening.

After the 8th inning, Fox showed a shot of Pujols and Edmonds hugging in the dugout and it really took a toll on my emotions. I broke down and started to cry tears of joy. But they weren't just tears of joy at this year's pending championship. The pain of the past was easing as I thought back to the years that I felt built up to this moment. I remembered losing a vital piece of our future, a wild Rick Ankiel, and ultimately the NLCS series to the Mets in 2000.I remembered the 2001 NLCS we lost to Arizona on a game winning hit. I went back to that summer we lost Jack Buck and Darryl Kile and in spite of the pain, our team playing inspirational ball before losing the 2002 NLCS on another game winning hit to the San Francisco Giants. I still shudder at the memory of getting swept by the Boston Redsox in 2004. As if the team we were shocked to see lose all four games wasn't enough, we were made a laughing stock by the callous national media for 2 years since. Last year, we lost the 2005 NLCS, even after that miraculous blast by Pujols in Houston. After that, I started to wonder if our time had passed and if we would ever win.

Alas, we got to hug and high five like crazed lunatics one more time. We got to scream and celebrate like it was 1982. I realized I was going to a victory parade on Sunday. The rush of happiness was overwhelming and welcomed. If you've witnessed your own team win, you know what I'm talking about. But if you've never felt that pride and glory, I highly, highly recommend it. It's hard to describe without sounding elementary. It's your birthday, losing weight, winning the lottery, being loved, sleeping in and eating your favorite food all rolled into one. It's the feeling you get when you land after a flight, laugh until you cry or slump into your warm bed with hot soup on a cold, rainy day...times a million.

For those Cardinal fans feeling down from all the negative press, pay no heed to what these "experts" have to say. Instead, relish in the fact that we have tradition second to none in baseball. Remember that we are second to no one in WS wins in the NL. And remember that we are second to no one in baseball this year. We beat the team with the best ERA, the Padres. We beat the team with the best lineup in the NL, the Mets. And we beat the team that everyone figured was destined to win (or beat us in 3), the Tigers. When no one gave us a chance and when everyone wrote us out as Dead On Arrival, we showed up and played our best baseball all year. We are the World Champions. As for my next goal, I look forward to torturing Cubs fans and wearing my WS Champions shirt to Chicago in the next year. If they attempt to mock us for winning in any which way they're bound to try, I'll simply reply with an evil laugh and say "Don't talk to me, inferior"

And in reply to my first two questions: You dream for more wins. And you can never, ever thank God enough.

Rain Rain, Go Away

So far the Cardinals lead the World Series 2 games to 1.

Highlights:

• Anthony Reyes pitched his ass off in game 1. If the Cards win the WS, we can look to game 1's victory on the road as a big reason why.
• Kenny Rogers played with a foreign substance on his hand in game 2. Doctors will look back at that moment as the earliest indication he doesn't wash his hands after using the restroom.
• Carpenter pitched his ass off in game 3. Three hits, no runs, 8 innings and 82 pitches. Sweet.
• Rain resulted in the first World Series game postponement in 10 years.
• NY media is still whining about the Cardinals backing into the playoffs. Hey, Beltran is still thawing after that freeze. Give us credit, haters. Better yet, shut up.

The Cardinals Win the Pennant!

The night the Cardinals won the pennant, my brother Ibrahim, my sister Banan and I went into some psycho fan mode that most diehard fans get in their lifetime during pennants and game sevens.

We tried to pretend that it wouldn't be such a letdown if we lost because people expected us, the underdogs, to lose. At least we had given the Mets a tough fought seven games. But of course our true feelings emerged as the game progressed.

During the latter innings I looked to my left to find a Washington University graduate with a Psychology degree covering her face with uncertain hands, reciting every chapter of the Quran she could think of. When I looked to my right, a usually calm athlete had an uncharacteristically flushed face, spontaneously yelling "Oh no! That's it! They're going to score! We lost! That's it!" more to himself than to anyone else in the room, before screaming in the utmost joy when the opposing team failed to score. (This being the neurotic Woody Allen impersonator I referred to in the previous post)

Game seven was as close to a panic attack that three people in the same room could possibly get. For that matter, it was as close to a city-wide panic attack as it could possibly get. First there was the Endy Chavez theivery that had Cardinal fans, and most viewers, thinking would prove to be the turning point in a game won by the Mets.

The next inning I seized the moment to yell, "momentum shifter! momentum shifter!" as soon as the Mets failed to score on a bases loaded jam Suppan was in, thanks in large part to a throwing error by the usually stellar defensive third baseman Scott Rolen.

Still, none of us were sure. We thought we felt sure when Yadier Molina hit the 2-run homer in the top of the 9th, breaking a 1-1 tie as fragile as a newborn.

We jumped for joy, not believing the good fortune of being 3 outs aways from advancing to the world series. If anyone from the outside were to look in, they would have seen 3 grown siblings huddled and jumping in circles like overgrown children. "I know I don't always show it, but I love you guys..." Banan's faint voice revealed in a state of raw emotion even as Ibrahim and I continued to scream.

But then the bottom of the 9th happened. The kind of inning that ages anyone watching, that gives 20-somethings gray hairs. The kind of inning that people walk away from trying to make some sense of as soon as it's done, or try to grasp even as the realization of what we just witnessed starts to settle in. As soon as the shock subsided,relief settled in. As soon as we were done squeaking and hoo-hawing in glee, we slumped back in similar fashion to all other game 7 finishes.

Adam Wainwright escaped with bases loaded and "Cardinal killer" Carlos Beltran looking at a curve ball that will live on in post season folk lore. They'll say, "remember that curve ball that froze one of the best post season hitters in recent memory?" That curve ball froze everyone in their seats at home, evoking moans from the Mets crowd and awe from the Cardinal crowd.

One day my grandchildren will ask me about one of the best games I ever saw. I'll tell them about game 7 of the 2006 NLCS. I'll tell them their uncle bit his tongue drawing blood out of excitement as he watched Molina's home run sail away, right over the head of a man who made one of the greatest post season defensive gems of all time earlier, robbing the greatest defensive 3rd baseman, known for ritually robbing hitters of hits, of a 2-run homer. I'll say we hugged and loved eachother as much as we loved the Cardinals in that moment. I'll tell them a Cardinal killer recieved a lethal injection from a kid and his uncle Charlie.

Maybe I'll show them the blood stained shirt if they don't believe me. And if they're lucky enough, I'll be able to tell them that game paved the way to our first World Series victory in 24 years and the first of many in my lifetime.

Crazy, Crazy Week

Insanity is hijacking the sports world! Or am I just realizing insanity is an indelible part of sports!? This is not good for someone fasting. I already think of food all the time, I don't need to daydream about pepto bismal too. (sidenote* watching Rams/Cardinals games during Ramadan may cause: nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea [do the dance if it makes you feel better])

Here are the games to blame for my chronic urge to consume pepto-bismal ...

1. Cardinals v. Mets: Game 7-NLCS. (*I faint at the recollection of last night, we'll get to that in a little bit.)
2. Rams v. Seahawks: Tori makes catch of the year and Seahawks win with a so-so field goal kicker, after an illegal formation call by umpires gives us a moment of glory, we realize the 10 second run-off rule does not apply. nausea.
3. Bears v. Cardinals-Monday Night Football: Are you KIDDING ME? The Arizona Cardinals lost that game? That was painful to watch, even as someone with no real vested interest in that game. Someone summon Dr. Burke, that team choked!
4. Cardinals v. Mets: Every game. Every single damn game. I was at the blow out game on Sunday which we lost. As much as it sucks losing, we cheered and made so much noise that we eventually got the stiffs in our section to do the same.

highlights:-

• singing "living on a prayer" at the top of our lungs with the sound system, inspiring two other people in front of us to do the same, including "rich, snobby lady" (that's her real name)
• dancing with Banan to swing music
• yelling "let's go sand-frogs!!" over and over to Scott Speizio towards end of the game, and "It's cool, you can ignore us... you're busy right now. There's a game going on! We understand!! After the game then? (No response) No? ok then, it's cool" which draws laughs out of our once robotic section. It's always nice when people stop acting like robots.
• testing the bleacher-usher/nazi's vision and attention. Standing on our bleacher seats when she was busy flirting with other usher and jumping down when we thought she'd turn around and see us like 2nd graders in detention.
• singing and dancing to all the songs, really.
• pretending we thought we'd mount the biggest come-back in post season history
• seeing a police officer accidentally break off a handicap sign with his hands outside of Busch. Sheer strength, I tell you. Don't mess with cops.

There's an empowering feeling in blowouts regardless of which side of the scoreboard your team is on. Dancing is usually a consequence.

Now, on to game 7 of the 2006 NLCS. I honestly did not know what to expect. I won't sit here pretending that I assumed we would win, because anyone who does is lying or delusional. The night of October 19th, 2006, was such a gut wrenchingly, nerve wracking one that I cannot even bring myself to describe the events that transpired before our very eyes. In my next blog, I will summon up the energy to describe what we went through. Here's a preview...

• someone bites their tongue and draws lots of blood out of sheer excitement.There'll be pictures.
• Three Ead siblings huddle and bounce in circles as a Yadier Molina homerun sails over the guy who just made one of THE best defensive catches to rob a HR in post season history a few innnings earlier.
• The tongue biter also has the most disturbing display of neurotic behavior since Woody Allen. Almost tourette-like.
• A Red Sox fan is bashed. (just for kicks)
• Did I mention there'll be pictures?

Stay tuned. You won't want to miss it. (Unless you're a Mets fan. You'll, ahem, probably want to, uh, miss this next blog.)