The Clubhouse: The 2007 Edition

I got some pretty good feedback from my '06 edition and because they won the WS series that same year (coincidence? I think not) I've decided to give this year's team another shot at the WS by entertaining ya'll with another fictional (or not, hmmmm?) scenario with our beloved Cardinals.

The Clubhouse: The 2007 Edition

A Nelly song is booming throughout the clubhouse and imposing upon every ear within hearing distance. It's probably an indication of Edmonds' inability to try new music. Today, Brad Thompson attempts to change the artist for the first time in 3 years but is frightened when a gurgling sound in the corner grows louder with his every step toward the stereo. He looks to find a grey haired Jim Edmonds in an almost angry convulsion, foamy saliva dripping from the sides of his mouth and the pupils of his eyes dilated almost entirely. Brad winces at the sight of this and slowly backs away. Jimmy returns to watching American Idol as if nothing happened.

Pujols, Tony and D. Duncan are discussing this year's team in Tony's office.

Pujols says in low, thickly accented voice, "yeah, I don't know what the hell happened at the start of the season with me. To be honest, I think some of Jimmy's crazy saliva ended up on the clubhouse food or something."

LaRussa cuts in with, "yeah, we really need to get that checked out"

Dave Duncan nods and adds, "yup, Jimmy should've been checked out by now, wonder why we let that go..."

Pujols continues, "....yeah, what the hell? Anyways, we all know that there's a lot of season left. What with Carpenter out and the young pitchers still feeling their way around, I see August as the possible turn-around point."

Tony nods his head but seems to be distracted by a commotion outside of the room. D. Duncan and Pujols turn to see what's going on.

Jason Isringhausen and Taguchi are having a good laugh at Aaron Miles expense.

Miles is defending himself, saying, "hey, that's not true! I don't eat banana peels anymore! That was a one time thing. I just liked the feeling of the banana peels in my mouth. It's a Colorado thing. Helton told me all the cool people do it!"

Izzie seems to consider this with doubt before a smile spreads across his elvish features and a thought dawns on him."Yeah, well, you're lucky as hell Taw-gooch didn't kill you them one time. That son-of-a-gun was really pissed."

Taguchi, in nervous laughter, chimes in, "yeah, I try impale you, but you skin really tough."

Izzie adds, "Must be them bananer peels!"

All three of them laugh loudly in unison.

Adam Kennedy is (naturally) drawn to the laughter and walks towards the threesome. He says (in a mentally challenged voice), "Did thomeone thay Ba-na-nath?"

The trio immediately stop laughing and Izzie says in a concerned voice, "Adam, buddy, did you leave Tom?"

Kennedy exaggeratively lowers his bottom lip and says sadly,"I thought we friendth?"

Taguchi, Izzie and Miles eye eachother with pity on their faces before Taguchi says, "Sure, we friends, big guy".

A man in a red shirt and khaki shorts is seen somewhere in the background calling out, "Kennedyyyy? Where'd ya go, big guy?"

Miles answers, "Over here, Tom!"

Tom, Adam's guardian, was sent over with Kennedy under false pretenses that that he was his trainer. Unfortunately, the Cardinals soon learned that Adam needed a guardian to make sure he would not do things like cross streets by himself and would have the proper tutor to teach him his ABCs. Adam's more than exceeded expectations, though. No, he can't quite field as well as the Cardinals would have hoped and his offense leaves little to brag about, but he is well on his way to learning what sound the letter "F" makes. He still has difficulty differentiating between the sounds the letter "S" and letters "TH" make. In his defense, sometimes people just confuse the two sounds. It happens. Really.

"Adam?", Tom asks, "I thought you were having fun playing 'Simon Says"! Why'd you leave me!?

"Me no like 'thimon thays!," he says, exaggerating his distaste for the game and crossing his arms over one another.

Izzie tries to help, saying "Hey big guy, if we promise to come join you later, will you go back with Tom?"

Kennedy smiles and says, "Yeth!"

Tom grabs Kennedy's hand and (hand in hand) they walk back to the trainers room.

LaRussa, seeing this exchanged, sighs and says, "yeah, the Angels really screwed us on that one."

Pujols: "Have you even asked them about Edmonds yet?"

LaRussa bows his head and says, "I'm too ashamed."

Out by the television, Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds and David Eckstein relax on a couch, arguing over who the real American idol is during the commercial break.

Rolen: "Hands down, Blake"

Eckstein: "I like Jordan's voice. It reminds me of butterflies and hobbits."

(Rolen coughs "loser" into his hand.)

Edmonds: "I miss Sanjaya. He had pretty hair."

Rolen and Eckstein eye one another, with Rolen raising an eyebrow in alarm and Eckstein soundlessly mouthing "I-told-you-so."

As Edmonds continues to make his case for the talentless idol, Wainwright flips through the channels to check for other baseball games. As each channel disappears into another, a menacingly familiar gurgling sound from Edmond's direction grows louder. Wainwright looks over at Edmonds, who is spewing foamy saliva from his mouth and hissing.

"Changeitback-Changeitback-Changeitback-Changeitback" he repeats and shakes until he falls to the ground, rolling and rolling across the room with wild abandon. The sound "Changeitback-Changeitback-Changeitback-Changeitback" is echoing across the room full of stunned athletes until LaRussa storms out of his office, yelling "Who the hell is changing the channel?"

The whole room is silent except for the constant "Changeitback-Changeitback-Changeitback" and sound of Jimmy's body rolling across the floor, occasionally bumping into the walls and a few legs.

A nervous hand slowly raises in the air as its owner's voice replies, "b-but it was a commercial."

LaRussa sighs but smiles and says, "Come on Wainwright, let's not do this."

Wainwright turns back towards the TV and changes it back in time for the sound of Ryan Seacrest's self satisfied voice. Jimmy immediately gets off the ground and returns to the couch to watch intently. He shakes back and forth a few times before he starts to shimmy his shoulders to the beat boxing of Blake Lewis and his version of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name". Everyone pretends like nothing happened, except Wainwright, who wipes away the single tear that rolls down his cheek.

LaRussa returns to his office to find a disappointed looking Duncan Sr. Duncan Jr. and Pujols staring at him.

Duncan Jr. says, "You know you're an enabler, don't you?"

LaRussa shrugs his shoulders but looks at Duncan Jr. suspiciously and says, "Who taught you the word 'enabler'?"

Pujols cries out, "He rolled across the floor and now he's shimmying! Shimmying!", he repeats in horror. "Why are we letting this happen? And you know what else? We aren't obligated to play retards at second base!", he nods over in Kennedy's direction, who is screaming "Thimon thayth 'pick your butt!!!" and giggles loudly.

LaRussa quickly replies, "Hey, when the Angels called him 'special', we all thought they meant talented. We already went over this."

Pujols replies smartly, "Yeah, he's special, like 'He likes banana peels' special?"

(Miles yells indignantly, "Hey, it was a thing! I'm over it!" in the background.)

Duncan Jr., meanwhile, whines to his father. "Hey pop, you said when I hit another homer, you'd re-stock the chew".

Duncan Sr. breaks his usual stoic features to laugh and, grabbing his son (with some difficulty, as Jr. is quite a bit taller) in a headlock, growls with delight. "Who's daddy's big boy?"

Duncan Jr. guffaws and laughs, yelling, "I am! I am!".

Pujols walks out with his hand on his forehead and bumps into his friend, Yadier Molina.

"What's wrong, big guy?", Yadi asks in concern.

Pujols replies in a tired, strained voice, "I told you not to call me that after they started calling you-know-who that..." and he nods over in Kennedy's direction again, who's yelling, "Thimon Thayth give me a hug!" as Tom replies with a, "awww" and rushes over to give Adam a hug.

Molina: "yeah, my bad. Let's watch videos of your 2005 NLCS game 5 HR and my 2006 NLCS game 7 HR on repeat again?!"

Pujols replies with a sigh, "Not tonight, Yadi. Not tonight."

Yadier looks disappointed but smiles and quickly insists, "Let's go out, get your mind off of some of these locos".

Pujols grins in return and says "you're a good man, Yadier Molina," causing Yadi to swell with pride. Pujols and Molina grab Wrainwright on their way out, but bump into Brad Thompson who, shaking, pleads "Please take me with you. I th-think he 's looking at me. I can't tell, but I think he is."

All men look over in Edmonds direction, who has one eye pointing in the television's direction and another staring at them, even blinking seperately from the other.

"AH!" they scream and start to hurry out the door, but not before Pujols runs into LaRussa's office and pleads, "Please, for the love of all Cardinal World Championships, get it checked out!".

Duncan Jr., Sr. and LaRussa don't need to ask what the "it" is. They all move slowly toward the office window, stopping a foot shy to catch a glimpse of Edmonds. Their eyes strain to find him, as he proves missing from the television area. They creep ever so slowly towards the door and place their faces against the glass window.

A head pops up from behind the door, and Edmonds, two eyes shifting in seperate directions and tapping his fingers against his face, repeats, "higuys-higuys-higuys-higuys..."

They all jump back in shock and horror, and with Duncan Jr. whimpering in the arms of his father, LaRussa whispers in a terrified voice, "Damn your eyes, Edmonds, damn your eyes!"

Looking over at Duncan Sr., he asks, "What would Bob Gibson do?" but without waiting for a reply, he grabs a bat, runs out the door and starts to beat Edmonds.

Standing in the door, Dunc watches the clobbering before him and yells "Uh, that's not what he would've done, LaRussa. I think he would've beaned him."

Tony yells, "then grab some balls, smartass!"

As Eckstein and Rolen tear their eyes away from the TV long enough to see their skipper beating their teammate with a bat, along with the pitching coach hurling baseballs at him, Eckstein asks Rolen, "you think we should help?"

Rolen nods his head. He proceeds to get up, walk towards the three men, grabs a ball out of Duncan's hand and throws it hardly at Jimmy.