Jellicle Cats for Evil Souls

What the hell is a Jellicle Cat? I have no frickin’ idea. I’m not even taking the time to google “jellicle cats” because I don’t care. Who knew they could make a whole musical out of people dressed up as “jellicle cats.” Who the hell knew?

I entered Fox Theatre for the first time on Saturday for a musical that literally made me question life itself.

“There is no plot,” my cousin, who accompanied me and is responsible for acquiring the tickets from a supposed “friend”, whispered in frustration as we sat before a stage of humans dressed as cats singing about…I still seriously do not know, 10 minutes into the damn thing.

“What the hell is happening? Why is this happening?” I begged to know.

To make a long story short, we sat through song after song about a gay cat that reminded my cousin of Freddy Mercury and reminded me of the transvestite from Transylvania in ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, a fat cat (seriously, why was he there?), annoying thieve cats-one of which could have also played the gay cat, a bum cat that all the other cats treated like sh*t, and an old cat they admired for some reason-like he was some king-cat. It was a load of creepy nonsense and songs that sucked monkey brains.

Why did I go? The tickets were free and I had never been to Fox Theatre before, so I was curious. I warned my cousin about how stupid this thing looked, especially after having seen a performance from it during a Tony Awards telecast I was watching and can’t remember why.

I wondered about the actors. I wondered if they were desperate to be in anything that happened to do with theater. Then I wondered what I would compare it to. I think it would be like me writing for the local paper about the kind of grass fertilizer people in a community use. Or it would be like writing press releases for a funeral home. Do they do that? If they did, that would be the equivalent of performing in Cats.

Even though my cousin begged to leave before intermission, I insisted on following theater etiquette and staying until the intermission came to escape. Beforehand, we honestly tried not to laugh loud enough for people who were probably…what’s the word…enjoying (???) …it to be annoyed by us. I looked around to see what grown men were doing. Some were sleeping, probably forced to come with their wives after a long day of work.Some were looking around at the much more interesting ceiling décor-like I did-and some were actually, gasp, into it. Those guys probably lost their manhood a long time ago.

Btw, I’d like to give a shout out to the girl who sat in our row and actually tripped on her heels on her way back to her seat and fell into our laps, stabbing my cousin’s foot with her heel. Whatsup girrrrl?!?!

Also, I’ve been listening to a lot of my Harry Potter audio book in my car lately. And I thought that Rowling should’ve made Cats one of the horcruxes. Because that sh*t must’ve had a fragment of Voldemort’s soul into it. That show was evil and seemed to enjoy torturing me.

Anyways, good day.

Check Out My Mind, Yo

Another segment on random crap that's been going through my head:

• It's funny when the 10 year olds in my fourth grade class think Obama might be Muslim. It's pathetic when adults do.

• I would like to talk to Gov. Palin in private and see if she really talks like that. I'm just curious.

• What the hell is up with people who are still not ashamed of having supported Bush? I still see "W" stickers on peoples' cars! Are they asking for road rage? Are they unaware of the state of the country? Are they the same type of people who swim in shark infested waters to prove they don't care? I really, really would like to know what is happening in their thick skulls. Do they believe we will admire their stubborn support of Dubya?

• I also think people who voted for Bush TWICE should not be able to vote. They are obviously mentally challenged.

• If you have voted for Bush twice, you are not allowed to have an opinion on this election. Especially those of you saying Obama is "inexperienced". I hereby revoke your right to judge anyone else. Ever. You had your chance and you voted for Dumbass-in-Chief. Now the country's in the crapper. Go away. You are terrible at this "judgement of character"-thing.

• I know I'm not supposed to let politics get in the way of my friendships, but I want to punch people who support McCain/Palin. McCain-who chose Sarah "she-Bush" Palin. McCain-who is allowing these robocalls to scare people into thinking Obama is a terrorist. McCain-who is trying to tag "socialist" on Obama. I'm sorry, but no. If you are choosing McCain at this point, I have to rethink our relationship. I think we need a break.

• I was so disappointed to see John Elway support McCain. What the heck? I think I'm generally disappointed whenever anybody supports McCain right now.

• Elizabeth Hassleback needs a bitch-slap. Hold me back.

Strength in Numbers

Missouri proved there was truth to its “Show Me State” title yesterday, as an estimated 100,000 people gathered for a rally under the Gateway Arch in St. Louis in support of Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama. When I first heard Sen. Obama’s rally was to be held beneath the historic monument, I imagined the powerful images a large crowd could produce. But not even in my wildest dreams did I fathom St. Louis would produce the largest crowd ever for an Obama rally in North America.

But I can tell you that as I looked among my fellow St. Louisans on my metro ride over to the downtown area, I could feel an excitement and feeling in the air that I can only describe as revolutionary. Looking back, I remember wondering if people in the March on Washington felt the same way. I literally felt the instantaneous recognition of change that I knew was shared by everyone around me. We all smiled at each other, barely able to hide our excitement for finding each other in such large numbers. We boarded the trains as if we were on a mass exodus from the Bush era. The Metrolink filled almost beyond capacity and the scene that unfolded as we exited the train and took to the streets of St. Louis city nearly took my breath away.

I had never seen anything like it before, and for a political event none-the-less. The urgency in the air made things even more exciting. We all knew we needed to make it in time to witness our chosen leader give his speech. The lines stretched for blocks...blocks! …in the downtown area. People were walking briskly and even running to get into the line (if they could find the end of it). We were anxious to get as near to the scene as possible. When we reached Washington Avenue, the crowd before us shuffled along at snail pace in the beginning. We barely managed to move 5 feet within the first 30 minutes.The sheer mass of people of all colors and from all walks of life was unbelievable. We couldn’t even be angry or feel stressed at the daunting task of moving forward because the number of fellow supporters only emboldened our sense of unity and purpose. A number of mothers with strollers, a father with his two young daughters, a grandmother leading her grandchildren…these were just some of the groups surrounding me. It really was a sight to behold.

When we finally reached the Arch grounds, people began to jog towards the already waiting rally goers. When Sen. Obama came out, it felt presidential. How jealous had I been to grow up and see decades old images or video of a young, beloved leader in JFK speaking to his constituents. Now, how thrilled I was to be among tens of thousands of people screaming for our own political rock star and inspiration we were truly proud of. During his speech, someone behind me laughed and said out loud in disbelief, “I’m looking at Obama. He’s right there! I’m looking at him!” Volunteers walked around passing out free bottles of water. Despite the constant buzz circulating around me, I couldn't help but feel calm with my surroundings. Perhaps because it felt nice to be around tens of thousands of people, just like me, thirsty for a sense of sanity after eight years of a leadership in Washington parched of it.

All I could keep thinking was, how could such a diverse crowd be wrong? How could black, white, Asian, Arab, Hispanic, and people of all ethnic backgrounds and colors be unanimously wrong? Surely something that brings us all together in the spirit of tolerance and change (for the better) can only be good. It was not just strength in numbers that was impressive. It was the depth of diversity. I looked around me and felt good as a human being. The brotherhood of man brought together by one leader on this day, who preaches unity with a, yes, eloquence few have ever been in possession of in our lifetime was right. As far as I’m concerned, we deserve Obama. November 4th couldn’t come fast enough.

LIVE FROM WASHU...IT'S THE VP DEBAAAAATES!

Ok. My facebook status was a little misleading. I said I would be at WASHU during the VP debates. I was...but not in the debate hall. I was in an auditorium with a bunch of other people hoping to see Sarah Palin pull out a rifle and pose in a bikini. That said, we did have the credentials to be on campus-otherwise, we couldn't be there- and photo I.D. was required. So in my book, we were pretty cool. My book is pretty thin, but it exists. Ask me about it some time and I'll show it to you (That's What She Said).

We sat in Steinberg Hall where we were to watch the debate live with a room full of WASHU Alumni. The prestigious school spared no expense.The reception area included cookies, fruit, soda, sandwiches, buttons and beads. I enjoyed the peanut butter cookies. Those were particularly soft and tasty. We took pictures with the lifesize cardboard pictures of the presidential and vice presidential candidates. We noticed a few interesting t-shirts, notably a "I'm a black Republican" t-shirt and "I'm a redneck who supports Obama" t-shirt. And they were both in the same room. Magical night.

A political science professor briefly spoke to us about the influence of vice pres. debates and delighted me by throwing in puns here and there. I like pun-tacular professors. Good times.

Pun moment of glory for this professor: Audience member asks a question. Prof. begins to answer but lights go out. Professor wastes no time in quipping, "I could be in the dark about this, but..." and we all laughed in pun glee.

I was lucky enough to procure a PALIN Bingo card from a group of strangers in front of us. Here's how PALIN Bingo works: Check off any of the number of words she is, like the robot-doll she is, likely to use during the debate. Here's what the card looked like-

As you can (somewhat) see, we could check off words such as "gosh", "hockey mom", "Russia", "earmarks" and "Gotcha journalism". The middle box has a picture of Palin's head with the appropriate words-FREE SPACE. As the night went on, I noticed that the PALIN Bingo cards were not only particular to our area. They were all over the place. Apparently this is big. Get on this, people.

Luckily for us, the room was almost completely either in support of Obama or just wanted to laugh at Palin. Here are some of the room's reactions that we got as a group:

When Joe Biden finished one of his lines with, "that's what I call the ultimate bridge to nowhere", we all errupted in cheers. We also laughed when he said he spends a lot of time at Home Depot. Gotta love Joe. Oh, and when he discussed the ridiculousness of the notion that he, once a single father, could not also feel for the struggle of the average American families just as any hocky mom apparently does, and paused to compose himself- you could hear a pin drop.

Whenever Sarah Palin spoke, you would hear a lot of frustrated sighs and "ughs". You might think I'm exaggerating, but I cannot stress how loud the groans were every single time Palin said, "in Alaska", or "in Wasila!" or mentioned "soccer moms", or brought up her "executive experience" or ignored Gwen Ifill's actual questions and insisted that she'd talk about whatever talking points she decided was appropriate. When Palin winked at the camera, I threw up in my mouth--- just a little bit. When she told Joe Biden that his school-teacher wife's "reward is in heaven", we all laughed. I mean, was she really saying these things? When she gave a shout out to the 3rd graders, you couldn't even hear her next line because, again, we were all laughing. It was like watching an SNL skit. Only it wasn't a skit. It was Palin.

I know what a lot of the strategists are saying. She did a good job. But they've lowered their standards of what a good job is, because contrary to a few days ago, she could actually put words together this time. Well bravo, Sarah. Keep up the good work. Keep speaking coherent English.

Anyways, I fought the urge to yell out, "you ignorant-f*cking-runner-up-in-Miss Alaska-George W. wanna-be! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! You are an embarassment to women everywhere and you do not-in any way- represent me! BIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!" Yes, in that regard, I was victorious.

But in other ways, we are all still losers because she is-at this moment- spewing her hatred and fear mongering to another crowd. Hopefully this election ends without anyone seriously getting hurt. And hopefully it ends in victory for someone whose name rhymes with Marack Mobama. Am I clear enough?

By the way, we stayed after the debate and were amongst the crowd for Hardball with Chris Matthews. He is flipping awesome. He told us he thought George Steinbrenner (or was it Hank? Now I can't remember) was an S-O-B. And talked to the college crowd during commercial breaks. A highlight for the Ead sisters came when Matthews was interviewing a guest, brought up Palin's dangerous remark about moving the American embassy to Jerusalem, and asked the guest if he thought Palin was aware of the implications of this statement which goes against every former American adminstration's policies, to which we replied, impromptu, simultaneously, and loud enough to probably be heard on T.V., "NO!". This drew laughs from the crowd and a smile from Matthews. Thank you, thank you.

Anyways, I'm out to watch M-I-Z Z-O-U!

PEACE

Can't Run a Marathon, but I Sure Can Watch One!

I watched the All Star Game yesterday. I think God was testing me to see how much I really love baseball. Well, God, I really love baseball. I watched the 5+ hours despite the voice in my head telling me to get up and do something productive. But the love of baseball that courses through my veins kept me frozen in my seat for the marathon in NY City. Well, not quite frozen in my seat. The game reduced me, my sister and cousin to a couple of escape mental patients. At one point, as me and my sister did a dance-the country lookin' dance where you link arms and skip in circles then switch-, I paused from singing "this is the game that never ends!" to look over at the cousin rocking back and forth in her seat, looking like she just returned from Guantanamo Bay. I wish I were joking. But that game... just kept going...

My thoughts on...

Alex Rodriguez: I've always disliked you. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's your hairline. Or the way you avoided giving Pujols any credit or praise when he was in the Home Run Derby a few years ago and Joe Morgan practically begged you to give Pujols a compliment. Or if it's the way you talk. Period. Or if it's the rumors between you and Madonna, or you and the stripper. Or if it's the money you make. Or the way you choke in the post season, I dunno. I just do... not... like... you.

Willie Mayes: Why didn't you acknowledge Josh Hamilton? He's not a crack addict any more! Geez.

A.L.:You're not better than the N.L. You're just lucky you don't have Gagne, Hoffman, Wagner, Lidge, or Uggla. Also, our starters are better than your starters. Your reserves don't include Dan Uggla.

N.L.:I have newfound respect for Russell Martin. Good game behind the plate. Got better with each inning. As for Dan Uggla...

Dan Uggla: Really Dan? Really? I honestly didn't think the All Star Game could give me someone new to cheer against. But those three errors and two strike outs!? I picked you to be the AL MVP, even if that's not how the voting process works. Yes, I blame you for everything. I even blame you for the bad economy right now.

Yankee Stadium: Gosh, with all this hoopla, you'd think they were tearing the damn thing down... oh...right.

Yogi Berra: No matter what N.Y.C. thinks, you're still a boy from The Hill representin' St. louis!

Hall of Famers gathering: Not complete without Stan the Man.

St. Louis All Star Game: I predict the N.L. will win. No, seriously.

Something to work on for '09 ASG: Start a petition to make sure St. Louis ASG planners avoid having country singer sing the National Anthem. We can make this happen, people!

Funny moment: Fat kid/ A.L. fan behind dugout obnoxiously cheers when A.L. pitcher strikes out N.L. batter-then immediatly screams at N.L. All Star to sign his ball from dugout. Gotta love New York.

Weird moment: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver's lips merely millimeters away from touching.

Bummer: As annoyed as I was that the game wouldn't end, I wanted to see what would happen when pitchers ran out. Let's see Bud wiggle outta this one! Come on! What would've happened!?

Holy Crap moment: The N.L. getting out of a bases loaded and nobody out jam with Aaron Cook on the mound. See also: Miguel Tejada scoops up ball, throws/falls to get runner out at first,keeping the game 3-3 in 10th.

Made up A.L. sign: N.L. just plain Uggla

Made up N.L. sign: Will lose game for food

Tidbits and Skadoosh.

Hello cyber studs, I've been gone so long because I was overwhelmed with the writing I was doing at work. I never thought I'd get sick of writing but ( gasp!) it happened. I'm back because I realized, "hey, what the hell, let's keep this simple." Shall we?

• Have you ever seen someone do something they think they're special at but they're not unique in their ability to do it. I mean, you look at them and think, "sh*t, I can do that!" Yeah, that happens to me a lot. Let's take a moment to feel outraged. Ok, let's move on now.

• Will Leitch is leaving deadspin.com! Wow, this has been a big year for him. He published a book. He got a lot of press after Buzz Bissinger's rude-dude 'tude backfired. Now he's going to be a contributer for New York Magazine. I mean, I'm talking about him in my blog. Big year.

• Adam Wainwright is headed to the DL! I'm not devastated, just annoyed. Apparently he heard his middle finger "pop" and an injury specialist from BaseballProspectus.com told Bernie Miklasz and Randy Karakker on The Roll Home (team1380.net) that this sounds like the same injury that happened to RP Joel Zumaya of the Detroit Tigers. It has some special name I can't remember, so more importantly, Zumaya was out for 4 months-which sucks, but at least it's not a year. If this injury is like Zumaya's, then the good news is it shouldn't be a long term problem for his career. This is just a sucky short term situation. Carpenter is projected to return around the all-star break. We'll see how we-as in the Cardinals and what the heck-Cardinal Nation- handle this.

• I've realized that I can be as stupid as those soap opera characters I used to yell at on TV. Yes, I fell into a soap opera trap because I lived in a third world country and clung to anything in English on TV, no matter how hideous the plot. Enter "The Bold and the Beautiful", but that's a different story for another time. Instead, I'm referring to being a person who's treated poorly but make excuses for the perps, just like those dumbasses in the soaps. I need to see myself on TV so I can see clearly or get better perspective.

• I was watching Queen's 1981 concert in Montreal tonight on DVD (don't ask) and noticed how obviously gay (not PC?) Freddy Mercury was and thought it was hilarious awesome that no one else could tell back then. It was like people in the 80's had some *special gay blind fold on. I mean, he was pretty gay. I even noted he looked like he could be one of the village people. Funny the difference 27 years makes. Now-a-days, no one except for foreign people, old people or little kids could possibly be confused about his sexual orientation. I know, my un-PC-ness is off the charts. *A wildly popular item with Arabs.

• Cubs fans think they're winning the World Series. They believe that this is their year, because, God knows, they were just kidding about the other 100 times they believed it was their year.TELL ME SOMETHING NEW! Tell me a Cubs fan believes they are the ancestor of the modern Pirates fan or that Wrigley Field is really the world's largest toilet (fact). Just tell me something....anything....besides this repetative Cubby faith crap. Thank God I've only been alive for 24 years of this bitching. I couldn't stand 100.

• I give Sex in the City-the movie- and Kung Fu Panda both thumbs up! Kung Fu Panda has me saying "Skadoosh" like a crackhead says, "just one dollar,maaaan". It's an addictively awesome word and fits anywhere. Skadoosh! see?

• I walked through our living room and noticed oversized objects everywhere. I can eat rice with our huge decorative wooden spoon, drink tea or coffee with our huge decorative tea/coffee pot or watch TV on our big screen TV. I'm sure I'm missin something. I'll be back with more. But you never know, we might have to feed that Arab GIANT that apparently lives in our basement with that wooden spoon.

• I want to kick those middle aged men who insist on calling me "sweetie" in the knee caps. And then clonk their heads together. I'm not your sweetie.

• I went to Milwaukee and tried to go to a Brewers-Astros game. It was sold out cause of Ryan Braun **bobblehead day. Here's my report: their stadium is not in the middle of downtown Milwaukee, they do some serious tailgating in their lots, and I screamed "Brewers SUUUUUUUUUCK" as we drove off. Repeatedly. **Brewers fans are known to be bobblehead whores. Seriously, every time I watch a Brewers game, bobblehead days sell out like nobody's business. SKADOOSH!

Stay in Hibernation

Cards-Cubs Weekend. What a beautiful rivalry. Thanks to deadspin, I was able to check out two blogs...

Thunder Matt's Saloon decided to respond to Cardinals Diaspora, who explained why the Cubs suck, by explaining why he hates the Cardinals. So, here's my response to Thunder Matt's Saloon comments. So goes the life of a blogger...

1. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa basically led the Steroid Era. The Cubs learned their lesson by sticking with pretty steroid-free players for the most part. The Cardinals? They promote Rick Ankiel and trade for Troy Glaus, two guys linked to HGH use.

So do you want us to drop Ankiel and Glaus? Is that what you're saying? Would you like us to go ahead and forfeit the division so you can bring more celebrities to your 7th inning stretches or have Jim Belushi caught on another ESPN camera eating a hotdog at Wrigley? Besides, Ankiel is our baby Jesus. He practically died for our sins.

2. Albert Pujols. Sure, he's a fantastic ballplayer, but he's kind of a little bitch sometimes. Remember when he complained a few years ago when Ryan Howard won the MVP over him? Remember how Pujols complained... (...)

I couldn't even copy and paste the rest of this. Are you kidding me? I'm still upset Pujols hasn't won at least 3 MVP awards. Do you understand his career numbers are comparable to Ted Williams, Joe Dimaggio and Co.? He's the most valuable player in baseball. I don't even know what to say to you. I'm sure you guys would have traded him for three Cory Pattersons by now. Your complaining kind of makes you a little bitch too. So, in all fairness, we're all capable of being little bitches who complain.

3. Tony La Russa. I'm not even going to go into the drinking thing (everyone makes mistakes). What bothers me the most about him is that he over-manages and I'm pretty sure it's just to drive me crazy. I thought La Russa was going to break Spring Training this year with 16 pitchers so he could play even more matchups, but that would stop him from pulling 8 double switches a game, wouldn't it?

I, too, sometimes am frustrated when there are eight double switches in a game. Then I remember the last eight years: we've been to the post-season in six of the last eight seasons, enjoyed three league championship series, played in two World Series and enjoyed one magnificent-yes, it's as beautiful as they say it is-World Series title. And then the eight double switches don't bother me as much. It's amazing what success does for your patience. You guys should try winning the World Series some time to see what I mean. I, mean, uh, never mind.

4. Their colors. You're primarily red. That's great and all, but there's another team in your division already that claimed that color. And guess what? They're actually called the Reds. That's dedication. You know who else has a sort of half-hearted association with red uniforms? The Astros. Is that really the level you want to be on?

Um, you're blue. Is that why ya'll are so cranky and sad all the time? Is it so when you lose you guys can say, "you look blue" to one another and crack a half-hearted smile at your puns?

5. Lou Brock. You sons of bitches...

Yeah, you guys really messed up there :)

6. Doesn't it seem like the Cardinals have a never-ending supply of pitchers that own the Cubs and then suck against them as soon as they leave St. Louis? The perfect recent example of this is Matt Morris. God...Morris used to OWN the Cubs. Then he leaves St. Louis, and the Cubs destroy him. How the hell does this keep happening???(I realize that fits under "Reasons I Hate The Cardinals" better than "Why The Cardinals Suck". So what? I don't see you writing your own list.)

Yes, your list is a why you hate the Cardinals list. I'm glad you noticed. But let me also point out that we generally don't try to keep pitchers we feel are deteriorating skill-level wise. Example:Kip Wells. So, what could be happening is we have these pitchers because they play well for us. Then they do not play well for us and we decide not to resign them. Now, I know this concept is hard for you to understand, but please try.

7. Even a Cubs fan can admit that Walt Jocketty was money. And the Cards just let him go? To a division rival? Terrible. F.

Yes, yes, I liked Jocketty too. But I think it's safe to say that anyone with 100 years of a championship drought can't judge the rest of the baseball world too harshly. I think you need to let this go and focus on your own failures. For example, keep focusing on trading Lou Brock.

8. Tony La Russa wears sunglasses at night. Who do you think you are, Corey Hart?

Cory Hart stole Tony's signature "creepy guy at night" look. So let's give credit to the "creepy guy at night" look where credit is due.

9. When David Eckstein won World Series MVP, the Cardinals rewarded him with a giant SUV. That's just about the meanest thing I can think of. David Eckstein can't get into an SUV! He has enough trouble driving a big wheel! What, would you give a bike to a guy with no legs?

Wow. I think our top priority at the time was winning the World Series and not worrying about what car Eckstein drove. Now, if this is the biggest problem you can think of, then I think it's safe to say our problems are a lot nicer than your problems. (*Also, I like the thought of a guy with no legs winning a World Series championship with us before the Cubs do.)

10. See below:

Cardinals' Diaspora also pointed out that the Cubs sucked because Jeff Gordon, who coincidentally sucks, sang 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' during 7th inning strech. Here's how he responded...

So here's your logic:

Jeff Gordon = Suck

Jeff Gordon = Sang The 7th Inning Stretch For The Cubs

Therefore...

Cubs = Suck

Something that even Cubs and Cardinals fans can agree on is that Jeff Gordon is terrible. But ever since Harry died, the Cubs front office has been parading in pseudo-celebs to sing, whether true Cub fans or not. Most Cubs fans will agree that half the people coming in to sing the stretch have no business being there. But your logic is flawed. Because if what you say is true, then the following must be true as well:

Cardinals = Red

Communists = Red

Cardinals = Communists

Communists = Hate America

Therefore...

Cardinals = Hate America.

But I can one up him...

Cubs=Blue

Blue= sadness

Sadness=depressed state

depressed state=depression

depression=suicide

suicide=end of human life

Therefore...

Cubs=end of human life.

Thank you. Go Cards.