Some Things I know to Be True

• The Patriots are Evil: If it's not the secret cameras and sinister spying, it's the way somebody sold their soul (probably Belichick) to help them become the dominant and demonic team they are. They scored 56 on the Bills today. I'm not saying that's impossible. I'm saying, with the way Belichick dresses on the sidelines and the way Thomas Bradius Maximus impregnates (building an evil army?) and dates (is Giselle's womb next?), they can't be trusted. I'm surprised they didn't score 666 today. EVIL, I tell you.

• The Rams Must've Left a Load in New Orleans: Cause they aren't feeling as crappy as they were last week. Must be that "we just won a game" feeling. Winning one has them setting higher standards...well, standards anyway... for themselves. They went from having a camera shot of a player barely containing his joy and shock at winning last week (appearing to hide his smile behind his jersey like a five year old would)- to expecting major disappointment if they let today's game get away. They didn't. Yay winning streak. What? I can say that now.

• Barry Bonds is going to have a bad year: I know that's the most obvious statement ever, but I told you there were some things I knew to be true. This is one of them. Also, my cousin passed by a news stand yesterday, stopped in her tracks, bent closer and, reading the headline out loud, said, "Barry Bonds is IndiCted!" (pronouncing the silent C). I just pointed and laughed at her for a minute and a half. That's what you do in those situations. Trust me.

• An owl, or a bird that sounds like an owl, lives around our house: I have been hearing it over the last two nights. Here's the evidence I'm not crazy. A.) I've always been an insomniac, so I know what noises to expect at night. An owl in our neighborhood is not one of them. B.) It's hooting. C.) Why would I say an owl lives outside our house. I don't need that kind of attention.

• Ella Fitzgerald is flippin' awesome:If her voice were a drink, it would be velvety chocolate cocoa on a cold, rainy day by the fireplace. And I would drink it up, man.