Sunday, July 31, 2005

You run like a girl!

There's a certain stigma attatched to girls and their interest in sports. For some reason, the idea that a gal follows any game in any sport is considered taboo. Whenever a girl knows a certain stat concerning a player or game, the man looks questioningly at her, with the sort of "what are you trying to pull" look. Guys, for whatever reason, think that she either has some sort of agenda or that she's a 'sports fan poser'. Oh I know that there are a few reasons that men come to either of the previous conclusions. Let's analyze why, shall we? I've gone to more than a few baseball games where the jumbotron plays a feature of fans answering the question of the day. On more than one occassion, my fellow she-folk took full advantage of making our kind look sports-challenged. I can remember one now... (Blurry clouds form into a memory/image as dream sequence music plays) Question: "Which would u rather play in, the American or National League?" Sports challenged woman #1: (who replies with, naturally, a dumb look on her face) " ummmmmmm, what do u mean, are those teams?" (Blurry clouds and dream sequence music bring us back to the present) (or help you fall asleep...whatever works) Yes, my friends, that truely was a magical moment for females who follow sports throughout the world. I get it, there are some clueless girls. I work at a sports store. I've had women come in and ask me what the slogan on the stickers they place on New Era caps meant. It's not a cap, it's a flag... Sports Challenged Woman #2: "Now, when it says it's not a cap...I mean, I don't get it. I know this is a stupid question, but it's...not..a flag..right?" Ok, at this point, there are two things going through my mind that I'm dyin' to say out loud. 1.) You are a stupid, stupid person, regardless of your gender, and 2.) There is such a thing as a stupid question, bless your soul. Instead, I say with fake, good natured laughter "oh, I can see how it's confusing", but I really don't. You are a human and the difference between us and animals is that we can differentiate between what is right and what is wrong. You are literally as smart as a raccoon. You're children have much to worry about. If I were you, I'd go paint black around my eyes and run up a tree. Of course, this is all to myself. Another thing that men assume is that we're trying to impress them with their "secret man knowledge". It appears that we've cracked their code. With my grasping of the concept of a suicide squeeze, I must be trying to gain their respect. "Look at me!", they think I'm trying to say, "I'm like a boy, but I'm not! Give me a cookie!" Finally, I am allowed to be attracted to the sports figures and comment on their athletic physiques while also enjoying the actual game. Why? Because men do the same thing whenever they see a woman, be she an athlete, model, mother of 8 or whatever. I'm human and while I'm primarily watching a game, if I see a cute smile on an attractive athlete, I'm allowed to let my instincts jump in the same way they do for men on Sundays during football season and the Coors Twins appear during every commercial break. Yeah you know what I'm talkin' about...it's the commercial where some guy sings about all the macho stuff he likes and ends with "aaaand Twins!" as all the male viewers watch, self satisfyingly giggling to themselves, thinking no one can hear them. AND TWINS! Sorry, just making sure you're still paying attention. Don't get me wrong. I'm not pretending to be as sports savvy as Linda Cohen of SC or nearly as talented as that softball hurler, Jenny Finch. I still have much to learn, but aren't fans doing just that, always learning more as the game goes on? I know more than a few guys and less than many others, but that's the point. I'm like everyone else, the average fan. I can't pull up stats like the RainMan but give me the option of shopping at the mall or watching a sports game and I'm lyin' back and watching the game. Go to a game and look around, there are women here and there that are indeed, believe it or not, actually paying attention to the game. But I guess that when it comes to the idea of a girl into sports, it appears that the men have some of their own learning to do.
Like everyone else, I am going to die. But the words – the words live on
for as long as there are readers to see them, audiences to hear them. It is
immortality by proxy. It is not really a bad deal, all things considered.
-J. Michael Straczynski

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