They win. Damn those "Head On" people. What do you do with Head On? You apply it directly to the forehead. This line will be engraved throughout the deep recesses of my mind until I am no more. One day, at the very late stages of seniority, I will sit in my corner rubbing my cat and all I will say is "Head On-Apply directly to the forehead...Head On-Apply directly to the forehead...Head On-Apply directly to the forehead...".
Nursing Home caretaker: "Ms. Ead, do you want to have lunch?"
Me: "Head On-Apply directly to the forehead..."
Like I said, they win. It almost makes me want to go into Marketing. Or commit suicide.
Speaking of suicide, the Cardinals make me want to commit suicide. What I find interesting is that everyone who knows I am a Cardinals fan keeps saying something along the lines of, "What's happening to your Cardinals?" as if I'm directly responsible for their demise. I will have you know that every game I've attended this season, we've won. So it's not me. Unless those clubhouse speeches I keep giving before the games aren't working. I'm sorry, I thought the speech I've fondly titled "you win this or your families die" was motivational or the time I said, " Taguchi, I think Jimmy has a crush on you" was good for their chemistry. I was just trying to help.
Since there's currently nothing positive to say about the Cardinals (except that I still love them in a 'disappointed father after his son dropped out of college' sort of way), I've decided to make something up. Today, I will create a skit that explains what kind of mindset the Cardinals are in and what goes on in their daily lives. I want to amuse myself. I've titled it, "THE CLUBHOUSE"
A Nelly song is heard booming through-out the clubhouse. That's probably Edmonds' fault. Athletes are congregated in seperate cliques, as we've all imagined. The only loner is Aaron Miles, who eats Banana peels in the video room because it's dark in there and he thinks no one can see him doing that. Only, everyone knows he's doing that.
Tony LaRussa is in his office with Dave Duncan and Jeff Weaver talking over the game plan for the 1st game of the Cardinals-Mets series to take place in an hour.
D. Duncan: Like I said, just take it easy. You'll be fine because we have no other choice.
LaRussa: And whatever you do, do not...I repeat, do NOT give up any grandslams. That is the only thing we ask of you today. You can make love to Edmonds, you can eat Miles for all I care, just do not give a grandslam up today and I think we'll be okay.
Weaver: Eat Miles?
LaRussa: I was just jok...(Tony's cut off by Weaver)
Weaver: No, no... can I?
LaRussa looks over into the video room where Aaron Miles' eyes are darting back and forth as he clearly eats banana peels.
LaRussa: knock yourself out. Anyways, remember what I said and send Isringhausen in.
Weaver seeks out the closer, Izzie, in the clubhouse and spots him chatting with the rookie reliever Adam Wainwright.
Izzie smacks and streches the gum in his mouth, torturing it without mercy. He manages to speak lazily but with a sense of menace.
Isringhausen: So basically, kid, like I was saying, the chicks dig the long ball and that is why I keep giving 'em up, mmkay? I mean, if you can't satisfy the ladies, what's the point of being a closer. You dig? Besides, if anyone complains on the team, I'll do what I did to Bob the Sailor. Mmkay?Wainwright: "Bob the Sailor?", he asks with disbelief in his voice, "I've never heard of him"
Isringhausen: Exactly. All he had to do was listen to me. And Izzie stares at Wainwright without blinking for what seems like hours.
Wainwright feels uncomfortable, as if he's talking to a boy who's boasting about successfully stealing money from his mother's purse. His eyes are avoiding Izzie's, as if not making contact with the evil will keep it at bay. He tries to focus on Pujols who is across the room speaking to a group of avid and ashamed listeners.
He speaks with the usual deep, thick accent. He almost sounds pained at having to speak, but does so anyway.
Pujols: I don't understand what your problem is. This is enough. I'm sick of it. No, listen, it actually makes me physically sick to be around it. I threw up last night. You don't want to make me throw up, do you?
Pujols stares deeply in each pair of eyes. He stares into Molina's who shakes his head, then Chris Duncan's but gives him a wink, then Encarnacion's who looks confused and finally Taguchi's. He stops at Taguchi's and keeps staring until Taguchi finally lowers his gaze.
Taguchi: I am truely a-sorry sensay. I have foresaken you.
Pujols: Yes. I almost want to throw you in that room with Miles.
Taguchi quickly looks up with tears glistening in his eyes. His face flushes and he clears his throat.
Taguchi: No, I do better. Give me chance SenSay. He looks over into the video room and sees Weaver hovering at the glass window eyeing Miles and licking his lips.
Pujols looks over Taguchi's shoulder and sees Belliard walking into a seperate room alone.
Pujols:Hey fat boy, I told you to steer clear of there. The buffet is still off limits. He puts his hands to his face and whispers to himself, "I miss Hector".
Crestfallen, Belliard re-routes and makes his way toward the group watching T.V. Jim Edmonds, Scott Rolen and Eckstein are watching "Project Runway".
Rolen: This makes me feel weird.
Eckstein:This is a good episode
Edmonds: I think it's magical. And he falls violently to his right.
Belliard, uncomfortable at seeing this, notices the other two do not take their eyes off the television. Edmonds gets back up.
Belliard: What the hell was that?
Rolen: Ignore it, he's being dramatic.
Eckstein: He's practicing.
Pujols is heard in the background yelling at Weaver in front of the video room.
Pujols: I don't care what Tony said, you CAN'T eat him.
Weaver whispers something inaudible to the rest of the room.
Pujols: (angrily) And stay the hell away from Eckstein too, you monster!
Eckstein turns around and says, "what?" but they ignore him as Edmonds violently falls over to his left.
Pujols: Jimmy,what the hell, man? The doctor said your concussion would heal if you stopped falling on your head.
Edmonds: Yeah, I know, I can't help it. And he falls hard to the ground.
Encarnacion is seen in the corner speaking Spanish to the mirror, saying "You're a lion....no... no, you're a tiger". He growls.
Molina runs over to Pujols and hugs him from behind.
Molina: I was thinking about what you said about sucking and I'm sorry. I love you, big guy.
Pujols does not move for a moment but turns around and embraces Molina.
Pujols: Shhhh, it's ok, I know.
Eckstein's mother walks into the clubhouse and over to her son. She hands him a Power Rangers lunch box as he shifts back and forth on his legs in anticipation.
Eckstein's mom: Here's your lunch, dear.
A loud number of groans and "Taguchi No!" come from a corner of the room as Taguchi tries to impale himself with a baseball bat, an honor killing.
Pujols:Who let him near a bat again!?!?
Boom! Edmonds falls on a banana peel, getting knocked unconscious this time. Everyone looks over at Miles who says, "what?".
Taguchi, in a fit of rage, violently attacks Aaron Miles with his baseball bat, also kicking him and screaming "damnit Mirrrres. Damn you Mirrrres". This gruesome display goes on for a few minutes before Rolen attempts to break up the fight, but Pujols holds him back and says, "Let them fight this one out, Scott." and Scott nods his head.
LaRussa is overheard telling Izzie, "Just don't give up a walk off homer, you sunofabitch. Don't do that." Mumbling is heard before Tony declares, "yeah eat him if it helps, I don't care, just don't give up a walk off homer."
Jose Oqeundo walks into the clubhouse and tells Pujols,
"I had a dream last night that you hit a 3-run homer and a grand-slam!"Pujols: 7 R.B.I.'s? I've never done that before. Sounds like this is going to be a good day.
Oquendo Smiles but sees the ruckus in the corner and at the sound of Taguchi yelling, "
