Top Ten Reasons You'd Probably Play the Bad Guy on TV

The more I watch TV, the more I realize that, should I play the bad guy, no story I was involved in would have a plot. I wouldn't explain why anything was happening to the good guys, I'd simply get rid of them. Do you ever have the inclination to play the bad guy? Here are the Top Ten Reasons You'd Probably Play the Bad Guy on TV...

10.)Planning and plotting sounds like a fun job. You generally think of yourself as a creative person and this highlights that.

9.) Running away to Mexico does not sound like a crazy idea. Actually, it sounds like a good vacation. You wouldn't have to stay there forever, which is where 'planning and plotting' your way out of there would come in handy.

8.) The good guys annoy you. The bad guys do too, but only cause they won't do the job right.

7.) You've laughed maniacally for over a minute, just to see how it would sound. And it sounded pretty much how you've imagined. Um, maniacal.

6.) You secretly wonder what it would be like to rob a bank, lie to a cop, or pull money from somewhere using your computer like one of those movie-hackers (i.e. Office Space). You'd probably do something like pull a tenth of a penny from 80 million sources. That sounds complicated enough. Good planning and plotting should fit here as well.

5.)You want to leave clues to the cops with words made out of letters cut from different magazine articles. I mean, who doesn't? I'd probably give my next birthday card to someone with a note like that.

4.) You'd like to mock a cop and tell him things like "Who's playing good cop and who's playing bad cop?", "Going for another donut, are we?", "ooohh, I'm scared", "I'd like to see you try"and "when do I get my one phone call, buddy?". You'd also like to walk up to those mirrors that double as secret windows and hit it repeatedly and laugh maniacally. (See? you didn't practice for not).

3.) Everytime someone says, "Over my dead body!" you involuntarily think, "that can be arranged!".

2.)You get annoyed when the current bad guy on TV does too much talking and doesn't just kill the victim. "Just do it! Stop talking, you idiot!" you repeatedly scream.

1.)You know all the secrets and always know what's going on. Everyone keeps asking you questions, hoping you'll actually answer, and you'd revel in repeatedly giving them vague, half-assed answers. Ah, the good life.

TOP FIVE...Lamest Reasons to Leave a Team

Thank you Scott Rolen- my inspiration for this Top Five. I wanted to do a Top Ten, but it was so tedious. There are only so many lame excuses you can find to leave a team.

5.)I want my kids to have a better education in "insert city".

There aren't any major league teams in Alabama or Kentucky. Chances are, wherever the heck you play Major League Baseball, there will be a fantastic school district to put your kids in. This is not only a lame reason to leave a team, it's also an excellent way of making us resent your kids.

4.)I feel like I've done everything I need to do with this team.

Really? Is there a plane ride that involved strip poker and farm animals that we don't know about? Come now, you couldn't have possibly done everything you needed to do with this team.

3.)The fans don't like me.

It's not the fans. It's you. There's probably a good reason the fans don't like you, and if there isn't you're apparently overly sensative anyway. So in the end, the fans trusted their instincts and you proved them right. Bravo (*slow mocking clap*).

2.)They just won the Championship. I'm on their side now!

I'm looking at you, Edgar. How dare you leave us for the Red Sox. Not only did you jump on the bandwagon after they won, you jumped on the bandwagon that ran us over in the process! I'm not a big fan of guys who want in on the winning parade. Although I still love Edgar and wished he had enjoyed that WS win in '06 with us, I still can't believe that he left us for them.

1.)I don't get along with another player or coach.

Oh my god, get the F over yourself. Unless the other player or coach took your wife as their mistress and sold your kids to a circus, you are a grown man capable of doing your job-in a game you love-with the amount of money you make. I'm sure every team has douche bags and everybody learns to live with it as long as you're winning.

Thoughts for the Sports-Minded with A.D.D

• Scott Rolen is leaving us...for another manager. Wow. Can't say I didn't see that one coming, but of all things to leave us for, this is pretty high up there on the "lamest excuse to leave a team" list. Oh, great idea for my next blog! Go me! Go mind!

Rolen's out. Troy Glaus is in. I will miss the stellar defense at 3rd base. And his full speed run to home after hitting a HR-although I've missed much of that power for 2-3 years now. I will not, however, miss the injuries, the injuries, the divorce from TLR, and oh yes, the injuries. I'm ready to move on, not that I had any choice in the matter, but you know what I mean. I'm not mad at him, just tired of the injuries.

• The Patriots are still undefeated and I still want to kick Tom Brady in the nuts.
• A Manning survives to play another play-off game, and God proves he has an unusual sense of humor. And I still want to kick Tom Brady in the nuts. Only, I also want to kick Eli Manning in the nuts. You know this year is bull when Payton is going to be the Manning in those box seats cheering his "a-dur" faced, less talented, less funny brother.

...Less likeable. Sorry! I thought I was done.

• Brett Favre is possessed by, um, a younger Brett Favre. And so the Packs win. But did anyone else notice they beat the Seahawks. Yes, the team that barely beat the woeful Rams. I should've put money on this game! ARG!
• T.O. needs a box of tissues. Apparently, he really cares about Romo. Enough to defend him and cry, anyway. I could never abide a man in tears. It's like watching a fat kid cry. That makes me sad-I won't lie. Tony Romo, though, can rest assured that Jessica Simpson was well worth it (a-ha). I kid, I kid. I would never blame another woman for the downfall of a man's game. *Except Brooke Shields. Agassi totally kicked butt after their divorce.

Here's to hoping the Patriots lose the Superbowl by one lousy field goal! CHEERS!

One of the End of Time signs: Pats go undefeated...

I know, the title is very Debbie Downer of me. It's just that, um, I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I proudly hate on the Pats. Screw 'em!

I was reading this article from ESPN the magazine, begging the question of whether Belichick is actually a jerk or not. I gotta say, even though the author of that article was trying to make a point-in that Belichick is only following the recipe of success and work ethic that many famous Americans are known for-it doesn't help his case in the question of his jerkness. For example, the article cited Andrew Carnegie as someone we can model Bill after because he was apparently on "both sides of the spectrum". They both contribute and donate to charities, yadda yadda yadda, but they also are known for less than boastful situations. In Carnegie's case, steel mill strikes that ended in bloody messes. In Belichick's? Punishing and benching an all star player who had flown out to his grandfather's funeral and didn't return to the Friday practice.

Also, I wouldn't want my main defender in an article questioning whether or not I'm a jerk to be BOBBY KNIGHT, but hey, that's me. I mean, I feel I can obviously respect this little empire of success he has created, but as for his amoral decision-making skills? A-no thank you. Having read the article, I've decided he's basically a jerk who has the ability to do nice things, but wins at all costs-even his soul. Even if it means benching players who go to funerals. Even if it means starting a player with a concussion, and clinical depression as a result of that concussion, against the advice of the team doctor. Even if it means spying or shaking hands after a game like it's something only a Nazi would do. There. That's my head coach rant of the day.

I didn't even watch the Pats play the Giants.

A.) I was hanging with some friends who had only a casual interest in football (but to give them credit, they let me check the score a few times).

B.) If the Pats were going to win, which I honestly expected them to do so more easily than they had, I didn't want to see it. Call me Scrooge. Ba-humbug.

Finally, I don't know why people expect me to feel all glowy and excited about the Patriots going undefeated. I will tell you the only person I am probably happy for, and that's Randy Moss.

I have a fondness for people I feel are unfairly targeted and criticized way too harshly in the media, despite their talent and probably because they say things, or used to, that programs like SportsCenter play over and over again until until some middle aged fat guy at home sitting in his La-Z-Boy recliner with his beer-in-hand feels he can claim Moss is just like T.O. like it is a scientific fact.

So, in a nutshell, go Randy Moss! You show those beer chuggin', middle aged, La-Z-Boy know it alls.