The Joke's On You

I've been inspired by a story my sister told me recently. On a Saturday night out with her friends, a Cubs fan holding a rock apparently approached one member of her group and barked, "Don't talk about my rock!" He handed the rock over to the victim before explaining this rock was a piece of Wrigley Field handed down through the generations of psychotic family members (assuming that carrying a rock around in social outtings is crazy) and that the rock was carried around specifically during Cardinal-Cubs games. The group stared in shock as the demented Cub grabbed the rock back and again barked "Don't talk about my rock!!!!", stalking away but not before looking back one final time with an over-dramatic look of pure hatred and crazed anger.

Ahhhhh,excellent. It's stories about Cubs fans like these that keep me amused. Why don't they understand that pieces of Wrigley Field should stay attached to Wrigley field? Maybe that's why the place is falling apart.

Well,the not-so-loveable Cubbies recently got terrible news when their newly re-signed superstar first baseman, Derrek Lee, was diagnosed with a sprained right wrist. He's expected to miss at least 2 months. I can't say I was pleased to hear such a great player get hurt, but ...

Well, you know what they say.

There's nothing like the healing power of laughter. And so in the spirit of, well, me basically, you get to enjoy a few jokes at the expense of the Cubs. Perhaps Derrek Lee won't actually heal in record time and perhaps the Cubs season has been, once again, "unexpectedly" threatened. There's still no reason why we can't all continue laughing at the Cubs. Let us keep our humor and let them keep their rocks.

Enjoy.

The following jokes were compiled over the internet, while certain variations were made in order to suit the intended audience. I'm also open to more Cubs jokes. Don't be afraid to offer.

• Mark Prior and Jim Edmonds both die. God shows Mark Prior around heaven. They finally get to Mark Prior's new house. Its a smaller one bedroom with faded Cubs banners and a few hats. God looks at him and says, "Be happy, most people don't even get a house". Prior then looks over on a hill and sees a huge mansion with Cardinal flags, banners, jerseys etc.... and Prior says "Why does Jim Edmonds get such a nice house and mine is so bad!" God says, "That's not Jim Edmond's house. Its mine".

• A Red Sox Fan, a Yankees fan, a Cubs fan and a Cardinals fan all climb to the top of a mountain, each proclaiming to be the most loyal to their team. As they climbed higher, the argument intensified as each of them insisted they were the most loyal of all. They continued fighting until they reach the top, where the Red Sox fan passionately yells, "this is for the Red Sox !!!!" and subsequently hurls himself off the mountain to prove his loyalty. Not to be outdone, the Yankee fan yells, "This is for the Yankees!!!" and jumps to his doom as well. The two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned silence. After a minute the Cardinal fan yells, "this is for the Cardinals!!!!!!!!" and with all the energy he can muster, pushes the Cubs fan off the mountain.

• Q: Whats the difference between Wrigley Field and a cactus?

  A: With a cactus all the pricks are on the outside.

• Q: What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?

  A: "Don't do anything til I get back."

• Did you hear about the new Cubs soup? Two sips and then you choke.--Old joke

• How do you tell the difference between a Mark Prior autograph signing and a politician running for office?

  At least the politician will shake your hand before letting you down.

Living Legend, Classic Tale

I may have spoken too soon in the previous analysis when I said Pujols wasn't "hitting them all out of the ballpark, yet."

It seems as though he is in fact hitting them all out of the ballpark. I was there Sunday afternoon, at the new Busch Stadium, to witness this living legend do the impossible, but what's come to be the expected. This man has come to shown us, time and time again, that his numbers are quickly proving to match and surpass some of the greatest that the game has ever had to offer.
First, I'd be remiss if I didn't give props and thanks to my cousin Safi. He's the poor fellow who had to give up his baseball tickets in order to cover some work days for his brother, who's M.I.A in Spain. It just so happens that my sister and I were available to commit to the sacrifice of going to the game. You know, for him of course.

We arrived at the ballpark and made our way towards our seats, not knowing exactly which side they would be on. What we did know was that these seats were on the highest level. Although we were late, my "adventurous" sister decided we should walk up the stairs to the fourth level.


Not up the ramp, people, the stairs. This thing shot straight up. By the time we reached a place that gave us a realistic view of heaven's pearly gates, I was panting and sweating like Jared the Subway guy pre-weight loss era. I vaguely recall stopping half way up and telling my sister to "just leave me and save yourself".
On our way to our seats I also bought my first scorecard. I shied away from attempting to use one in the past, but as fate would have it, I just felt like buying one that very instant. The encouraging look in my sister's eyes was all I needed to pull out the pink wallet and dish out $3 for the folded scorecard and red Cardinals pencil.

Of course, we had to travel one more flight of non-sensical stairs before we made it to our seats. I remember at this point thinking the owners were punishing us for having purchased (or in this case, accepted the charity of) such low priced tickets. In Safi's defense, he's a season ticket holder and it was a new stadium.


Either way, we found our seats easily and looked out at the splendor before us. Easter Sunday included a pleasant weather forecast and a buzzing crowd. Many were still in awe of the new stadium. My sister and I had toured the stadium a week before and so we weren't feeling quite as fascinated as the rest, but still anticipated what the new ballpark had to offer in terms of game excitement.
The stage was set as the Cards' Mark Mulder and Bronson Arroyo of the Cincinatti Reds were each the designated starters for this historic game. It seems the 3.2 miles up to our seats cost us some time and we were a few minutes late, missing the first two at bats. We searched around us and tried to locate another scorecard in the vicinity to see what happened.The masterminds behind the New Busch apparently forgot to have some sort of scoreboard in the half of the stadium we were facing.

It seemed like a regular game as the first inning provided for some mediocre drama. Foreshadowing a duel of a game, the Reds scored once in their half and we scored twice in ours on a John Rodriguez triple. Both pitchers threw well for the most part. It was a quiet game in terms of offense. Our 3-4-5 hitters-Pujols, Rolen and Rodriguez-went down in order in the bottom of the 3rd (still keeping up?).


All of our games throughout the first week at Busch were close and it felt like this game was on the same track.
t was halfway through the game in the top of the 5th inning that things started to take a turn for the worse. Mulder seemed to have lost some of the control I was raving about in my previous blog. Before I knew it, the Reds had taken the lead as Adam Dunn and Austin Kearns hit back to back homers, scoring three runs and giving everyone on this sunny day something to groan about.
I

"Keep 'em in the damn ballpark, you idiot", I said quietly to myself as I drew out two diamonds representing homeruns on my scorecard.

We soon found out that this would be the same inning where Albert Pujols would respond by immediately tying the game with a 2 run HR on a 2-2 count. The crowd jumped to their feet and lingered for quite a while before Pujols gave the fans the curtain call they demanded.

As always, I felt chills up and down my spine as the level of cheering went up 10 notches once the 'great one' ran up the stairs and waved. The party-like atmosphere continued to build as Rolen put the icing on the cake, homering immediately after.

Another curtain call, another day at the ballpark.
he day seemed to drag along as the overcast sun etched its way closer to our area. We debated whether or not to get up and get something to eat, but decided to sit it out and avoid the unfamiliarity of the food stands. In the 7th, Eckstein drew a walk and Arroyo quickly erased this baserunner when Miles hit into a 1-6-3 double play.
T

The two outs still weren't recorded when Albert Pujols stepped up to the plate again.

BAM!

We all jumped from our seats and marvelled at the shot that sailed away into the left field stands once again. Curtain call number two for Mr. Albert.

Another curtain call, another day at the ballpark.
We all sat lazily as the sun finally beamed straight on us with a few moments of reprieve here and there, the clouds taking turns finding their way towards the sun. It was a good day, a sunny day, and sure, a winning day (Why not?). The content was unanimous and everyone took part in what could have been most of the crowds' first wave in the new ballpark. Relief pitchers were coming in from both sides and although our pen gave us a fright for most of the first two weeks, we felt safe with a comfortable 2-run lead through the 7th inning and the proven Adam Wainwright on the mound for us.

The 8th inning was upon us, though. Do u know that icky feeling you have after a hard day of work or school, and you find yourself stuck in traffic. You know, that tired feeling you have when you just want to close your eyes and be home again?


We experienced that icky feeling in the 8th inning.

Encarnacion took over in right field for Rodriguez and the inning started with Wainwright giving up a lead off HR. gulp. That two run lead was quickly cut in half and we found ourselves in familiar territory: A close game with our unsteady bullpen.

Wainwright allowed another walk before Braden Looper came in. "No, I think he'll be OK", my sister told me. Maybe more for herself than for me. The next hit should've been an easy double play, but if you're Encarnacion and having a terrible first two weeks, of course the ball is going to fly straight towards you with the game on the line. He misplayed a fly-out, potential double play and the inning was extended.

Of course the next player up, Rich Aurilia, would hit a two run double and we'd be down 7-6. Groan. "He'll be OK?" I asked my disappointed sister about Looper.
The bottom of the 8th brought some more dramatics as the bases were loaded with only one out at one point, but we wouldn't cash in on what could've been our only chance for redemption. Cincinatti escaped the inning unharmed and I sat stunned as I watched many people head for the stands. "Where are they going?", I asked my sister, "Don't they know Rolen and Pujols are next in order?"


My sister agreed that they were foolish and we spent the next few minutes explaining why they were dumb for leaving, reiterating that Pujols and Rolen were guaranteed to have their at bats.
Looper easily mowed down the next three Reds' batters in the top of the 9th. We readied ourselves for what could be a great day or a lousy one, depending on the outcome. Everyone cheered heartily as our famous good-hitting pitcher, Jason Marquis, came up to pinch hit in the bottom of the 9th. Marquis hit a solid one straight up the middle on a 1-1 count.


Most of us smiled as the 'great one' strode to the plate. We all stood now, as we knew it was do or die. Everyone was buzzing with unabashed hope. Could he? Would he? Was it possible for someone to be so clutch, so many times, in such a dramatic fashion. "What if he hit 3 homers-the last to win the game?", many of us asked aloud.

"Why not?" I asked my sister as Pujols fouled off another on a 1-2 count. "why not?" were my last words before the next pitch.
BAM!
We all stared in disbelief as the towering shot once again sailed into infinity, into the history books, into the places in our minds reserved for happy memories, classic moments and a longing for this feeling to never end.


It felt like eternity as we wondered whether it would stay fair or not. We jumped up and down like dancing monkeys when we surely felt the elation Pujols was feeling, even in the slightest bit. It was like an out of body experience, sharing the moment with thousands of the Cardinal faithful.

We were all shocked into a happy fervor that continued down the ramps as we left the game moments later, chanting "MVP!" and spontaneously yelping in glee, high-fiving complete strangers feeling the same sense of maddening happiness.

But of course, only a few minutes earlier- before we left our seats-we stood with more chills running up and down our spines, beckoning our hero to once again emerge from the shadowy dugout and give us one last curtain call.

One for the ages. A third one in one day.

Another curtain call, another day at the ballpark.

"Jusssssst a bit outside"

The first week has already passed and I'm ready to give you my analysis of the '06 Cards.

The bad news is the Cardinals have already been swept by the Cubs and the bullpen has blown three games (nearly four). The good news, my friends, is that the Cardinals do not traditionally get off to a torrid start and with the experience of 2 straight 100+ win seasons, I prefer ending hot than beginning hot. Do you like how I said "I prefer" as if I have a choice?

Since we have much to discuss for today, let me get straight to my thoughts on the players so far...

Shortstop-#22 David Eckstein: Eckstein is not hitting well but he's been making up for it with a few key hits or walks in some of the games so far. He's also playing solid defense and like the baseball world always says, as long as you're playing solid defense, we can forgive your lack of offense. I'm not at all worried about Eckstein. He did the same thing last year and he's one of the toughest guys, mentally, that you can have.

Right fielder-#43 Juan Encarnacion: Up until today, my favorite thing about Encarnacion was saying his name. I understand it is the beginning of the season and we have yet to see most of the players, including Encarnacion, play up to their potential, but it's a little more difficult waiting around when a new player isn't playing well defensively or offensively. It hasn't helped that he's left a ton of men on base (I'll look the figures up later) and seems a little too impatient at the plate. He strikes out a lot more than I'm used to seeing our players do. Having said that, Encarnacion made a spectacular diving catch in a losing effort to the Cincinatti Reds Friday and Thursday he was robbed of a walk-off homer which would have made him a hero and had the worried Cards fan forget his early miscues for at least a day. Go figure.

1st Baseman-#5 Albert Pujols: Is there anyone else I could be less worried about? No, he's not hitting them all out of the ballpark (yet) but when it is all said and done, he'll rack up the numbers again and we'll be asking why anyone else should be considered the NL MVP. Oh captain, my captain.

Center Fielder-#15 Jim Edmonds: Jim has scared me this first week and a half. It's not even the strike outs that have me all jittery, it's the 3 errors and missed plays that he would normally make. Maybe his age is getting to him or maybe I'm just freaking out all too early like I usually do at the beginning of every year. We'll see.

3rd Baseman-#27 Scott Rolen: Rolen is making a great comeback with already 12 R.B.I.'s and solid contact in almost every game. Nobody knew he'd feel healthy this early. His dazzling defensive work only further excites me at the prospect of being able to watch his handy work at Third for the rest of the year. He's going to be valuable protection behind Pujols. (sigh of relief)

Left Field-#55 Skip Schumaker/#53 John Rodriguez/#99 So Taguchi

: Needless to say, this isn't exactly my idea of what left field should be. I prefer the comfort of knowing there's an everyday reliable starter out there. Still, all three always seem to contribute in one way or another and I haven't seen Larry Bigbie play yet, who's supposed to be the left fielder. Taguchi and Rodriguez did well last year, so I'll give them time. Schumaker always makes me wonder what kind of parents would name their son "Skip". It's just not fair to him. It's bad enough that his last name is pronounced differently every time he steps up to the plate. Anyways, here's another obvious wait and see combo.

Catcher-#4 Yadier Molina: Besides the obvious fact of what Nan would describe as the "too cute, too cute" factor he embodies, Yadier is very exciting to watch. He's a young guy not afraid to rise to the occasion every now and then. His perpetual downside is his inability to run faster than a comatose snail, but that is where the "too cute, too cute" factor comes in. OK, not exactly, but his defense, offense and emerging leadership makes up for that. He can only go up from here. (except for the comatose snail running, I predict one day he may, indeed, run backwards)

Second baseman-#12 Aaron Miles: I know you keep hearing this from everybody else, but I'll go ahead and annoy you as well. Miles has that scrappy Eckstein like quality that makes him likeable. Is it no coincidence that they both happen to be the shortest starting middle infielders since the beginning of the 20th century? (or was it end of 19th century). Either way, he seems to have played well. Nothing too flashy. I don't know if he's the right guy to start all year for second base or if we should get someone during the deadline. I guess I'm just going through a Grudzielanek hangover and expect the awesome defense and non stop double plays we witnessed last year. He also reminds me of my cousin Hassan. Just thought I'd mention that.

Other Bench Players...

#7 Hector Luna-mostly second: If Luna played everyday like he did today, then I'd want him at Second all year. 3 R.B.I.'s, 1 homer, speed and very nice glove work? Sign me up.

#26 Scott Spezio-pinch hitter: He hit a homer today and I like that in a bench player. He has a chunk of dyed red hair on his chin and that's distracting. As the hosts of "What Not to Wear" would say, it makes me look at his red chunk and not the real him. I like the fact that he's different, though. He gives personality to LaRussa's 'consumate professional' team. He also appears to be liked by everyone and that always makes it easier to root for a guy.

#28 Gary Bennet-Back up catcher: Bennet hasn't really made any particular impression on me. I haven't seen enough of him except for when Suppan pitches or Molina needs a day off. He seems to catch well. He isn't Einer Diaz and, if you know me, that helps too. (Ladies and gents, that was Diaz suffering a Badia-burn. Enjoy, I'll be here all week.)

Starting Pitchers...

Chris "Cy Young" Carpenter, #29: (sigh of happiness accompanied by dreamy look on face) The Cy Young winner still looks up to form. Can't wait to watch the rest of the year.

Mark "too cool for school" Mulder, #30: Seems much more in control than last year. Appears to be more comfortable and at ease on the team, as well as on the mound. I think he'll be better than last year and may win 20+ games.

Jason "you lookin' at me" Marquis, #21: Same old Marquis. Has up and down innings but has done well so far. Still can hit. I still enjoy listening to his New York accent and predict he'll join the mob one day and dump someone's body in the back of a strip club. Otherwise, lookin' good too.

Jeff "lets hold hands" Suppan, #37: Suppan hasn't had luck in his first two outtings. Chicago roughed him up but his start against Milwaukee just wasn't fair. It was Carlos Lee's day. That 2nd start was much better and he keeps the Cards in the game, yadda yadda, you know the drill. I wonder if Suppan gets annoyed whenever we all say "at least he keeps them in the game". I know it's supposed to be a compliment but sheesh. Maybe someone should hold his hand.

Sidney "I punch judges" Ponson, #13: I like how he's pitched so far, a good number 5. I believe he can have another year here in St. Louis like he did 2 years ago with the 17 win season. The fans will be behind him and he's sober now. It's always good to have a man who's punched a judge on your team too. It gives us the chance to say "Don't mess with the Cards, biatch, we punch judges". Hard core, man. Hard core.

Bullpen...

Stock Down-Jason Isringhausan, #44 : In the past, he's loaded the bases in the 9th and walked away unscathed... for the most part. This year, he's just being Izzy, except he's blowing it. His unravelling against the Cubs in Chicago was one of the most uncomfortable things I've witnessed in recent Cardinals memory. His inability to find the strike zone was, gasp, a little Ankiel-like. I have faith that like hitters, Izzy is in a slump. He just isn't getting the job done and it's like he's enemy #1 in St. Louis right now, but I have a feeling that come the All Star Break, we'll almost forget that this all happened.

Stock Up- Adam Wainwright, #50: Ahhh, the golden boy in the Pen. He's been the best we've seen out of the bullpen so far this season and seeing that what he throws is only a preview of what could very well be in our starting rotation next year is great. He looks confident. He looks mechanically sound so far. Cha-ching.

* Randy Flores,#34, has done well. Nothing to complain about. Brad Thompson,#48 , has given up a few runs, but he still seems in control and his pitching says, "Take these strikes and do what you can with 'em, cause they'll keep coming." At least we know what to expect. Josh Hancock,#32 , Braden Looper,#41, and Ricardo Rincon,#73, are still in the "learning what our roles are" stage. They've been shakey as well, but we'll give them their time, for now. Can I also just say that with a name like Ricardo Rincon, you were meant to be seen on television. Unlike Skip Schumaker's parents, Rincon's parents knew what they were doing. Bravo.

**Let me hear about your own thoughts for the team so far.

***Tomorrow I'm going to my first game of the regular season. I'll let you know how it goes (Mulder vs. Arroyo). Come on back now, ya hear!?