Tweetin' During Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast on the Disney Channel!


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"Crazy old Maurice, eh? Crazy old Maurice."


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I think Belle has a death wish.


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Or she's into animals.


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No other explanation.


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Belle must be on LSD or something. The furniture is talking to her....or so she thinks.


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smart asses don't survive in the castle. After beast says, "I know that! I'm not a fool!" I would've said, "yeah huh."


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"How do you think we got in this mess?" and then he would've eaten me.


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Beast might need to go on Celebrity Rehab.


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I'm pretty sure I've yelled, "THEN GO AHEAD AND STAAARRRRRRVE!" to someone before. Don't feel bad, Beast.

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Enter creepy mirror that shows you Belle at all times. "Show me the girl". Not cool.


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Lumiere needs to plan and host one of my parties.


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Run, Belle, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!


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Oops, Beast lost his temper. Belle's lucky she didn't lose any limbs.


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wow, more beasts, in the form of wolves. This girl is an animal magnet.

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tea pot just leaked some tea.


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Come on, everyone knows not to touch the magical, floating, sparkly, rose. It goes against your instincts, but everyone knows.


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"You get to see it, but first you have to close your eyes" ...Belle: I'm not falling for that one again!


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It's a "bit alarming" because you're attracted to a beast, Belle.


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I had a Beauty and the Beast cake for my 9th birthday.


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Gold dress scene. Thus began my ongoing struggle to ever look that good.


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Where are papa's long sleeves or coat? It's winter time.


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Beast: "I release you. You are no longer my prisoner." Belle: "I was still your prisoner!? I thought we were having dinner and snow fights."


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What beef does the town baker have with Maurice? Why's he in the mob?


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Never trust an ugly green guy.


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Of course the ugly green guy runs the mental institution.


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When Belle whipped out the magical mirror, I'm surprised no one yelled "witch!"


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Slow night for that town. Time to kill a beast.


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I just heard the voice of George W. in Beauty and the Beast! "If you're not with us, you're against us!" AH!


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Everyone grab a torch or pitchfork!


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"Take all the booty you can find!" That's what she said.


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"But sir, the castle is under attack!" Beast: "Just let them come." Worst. master. ever.


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Why pluck the feather duster? Why? #TownSexualOffenderintheMaking


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Mrs. Pots. Too old to be that boy's mom.


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You are so hot! Now we can get together!

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It's getting so dark, Belle. So. very. dark.

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Never trust a man named Gaston.

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Seriously, how has papa not died of pneumonia?


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Awkward conversations with ball's invited guests. "So, why didn't you come to my christmas party?"


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Keep Belle away from the dog. Just in case. The End.


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The Facebook Diet: Day 7

Here we are. Back to social networking capabilities. I'm going off the diet now that I've restricted myself for the seven days. Like any diet, I had to distance myself from the thing that is so wonderful, yet so bad for me.

Mood: capable, dominant, commanding, prevailing...I'm going to be honest, I used thesaurus for the word "powerful".

Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: Apparently it only takes 7 days to master the art of avoiding facebook. At least for me, anyway. You should try it!

Most difficult: There were a number of articles about Palestine or interesting topics in general that I wanted to post on facebook. Every time I thought, "I should post that!" I was immediately diappointed with my dietary restrictions.

What I learned: Ok, you know those studies that scientists conduct, where they conclude something totally obvious and you're response is, "They had to do a study for that!?"?  You know, like, "Scientists conclude people like chocolate because it tastes good" or "People who smile more are generally happier" or "Rain is wet" (I can do this all day, in case you're wondering). 

I'm going to pull that on you with the following words:

Facebook is a huge waste of time.

I know. Stop shaking your head at me. Most obvious conclusion of the century. I don't care. I can honestly say I got so much random work done in the time I would've normally alotted for facebook, I'm still surprised.

You know how it is. Even when we say, "I have to do this. I'm going to do this. I will not go on facebook!" we still go on facebook and eventually avoid the task. Even if it's for a little bit. Then we spend a total of 30 minutes out of the next 60 checking in and out of facebook.

My solution? Find what works for you. What gives you the incentive to take a break? I don't have a lot of experience with this and it's only based on my short term experiment, but I found that making a definite statement to a group that you will not be on facebook for [insert proposal time] gave me the incentive to leave. *If you aren't doing it for the right reasons, it won't work.

 *disclaimer: If you are just doing it for the attention, or in the hopes of receiving a number of responses begging you not to leave, this practice is not for you. You will fail and people will not hate you for craving the attention.

We know it's not easy to keep in touch with all your friends and family. I talked to my sister in law, cousin, grandparents, uncle and aunts in Palestine on the Eid. It was nice hearing their voices, but I wish that I could connect with more of them over facebook. This reaffirmed the positive aspect of facebook. (Sunday Nov. 21st Update:  I just facebook-friended my Aunt in Palestine! Oh how the times have changed.)

 I can't remove it from my life, because facebook has so many people I want to keep in my life. On the flip side, too much facebook gives me that same feeling I get when someone is too close to my face when they talk to me. I need my space.

Space. Connection. Space. Connection. What's a girl to do?

A balanced facebook diet is key. I need it in moderation, but I need it. Don't cut it all out. We don't cut the good, nutritious stuff out with the bad stuff. We learn to teach ourselves what's healthy and what's not.

Eventually, with a L-ahhh-OT of patience, determination, repetition and practice, we figure it out. Our healthier lifestyle, regardless of whether it's found on our plate or web pages, is achievable.

The Facebook Diet: Day 6

Thanks to my younger brother, who works for an internet company I shall not name until he leaves it like he should, it's hard to know when our internet is available at home. That, along with the Eid holiday, prevented me from updating my blog.

 I found myself not only separated from facebook, I was also missing my beloved internet. I couldn't imagine partaking in some "internet diet". Just the thought gives me separation anxiety. Although, I could if I wanted to...no, no. I won't. Another diet so soon would give me hives or something.

So I find myself on my last day of my facebook diet. We'll see what everyone, if anyone, had to say about it when I get back on after midnight or tomorrow.

I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm excited about being reconnected with people I missed. But then I get verklempt at the thought of the return of the stressors in my life. What does this mean? Maybe I should re-evaluate who I follow from day to day. I already started to "clean house" before this facebook diet was even a seed of an idea. I "hid" people (facebook's words, not mine), that I felt needed to be hidden.

By the way, wouldn't it be great if you could actually "hide" people you didn't want to see in person? I would totally rock that option.

Ok, back to what I was talking about before...it was an epic FAIL. Good ol' facebook still let them creep back into my life by showing everything my friends, who I did not "hide", had to say to said-hid people.So what can I conclude? We'll get into it on my last facebook diet blog post. Gosh, I'm already worrying

Mood: Excited, anxious, stressed, proud.

Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: No internet? No problem.

Most difficult: Not connecting with a number of people on a major holiday is always a difficult thing. On the bright side, I called a few more people.

What I learned: Making the best of a situation can be a blessing in disguise. And God bless texting.

The Facebook Diet: Day 5

Sooooo a bit of a dilemma an issue has arisen in the last 24 hours that I did not foresee occurring. The Eid is tomorrow. Well, according to parts of St. Louis and the rest of the MUSLIM WORLD it's tomorrow-not so much for the West County mosque (which likes to always, always, always be different). I did not realize that I would be away from facebook and so many friends who I should be wishing a blessed Eid. I have a lot of friends on my phone's contact list, but not everyone. Oh darn. I break my facebook diet Thursday at Midnight, but still...darn. How could I be so dense?

Mood: Disappointed, slightly worried, anxious.

Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: I didn't have internet connection until the very end of the day, so I didn't have to worry about it. Although- funny thing- once I did have connection, my fingers started to type f-a-c-e-b...you know the story by now.

Most difficult: More mail. More notifications THAT I CAN'T READ. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, PEOPLE? Also, as mentioned before,tomorrow is Eid. There are so many people who I might not be able to contact. Oopsies.

What I learned: I should plan things out more intelligently so that I don't disassociate myself from a major social networking site the week a major holiday falls on.

The Facebook Diet: Day 4

Excuse the indecisiveness with my blog template. I feel so antsy with these restrictions I've put on myself that I'm taking liberties with my poor blog. As I try to figure out what to do with the free time I usually reserve for facebook, be patient. Smile and nod. Pretend everything's normal.

Mood: Anxious, excited, hungry. Mainly hungry.

Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: Nah, this is getting easy. I realized I could go longer than a week without facebook. This detox is working. But I also realized I've had the urge to tell people around me who are on facebook to show me pictures or something. But I haven't. I've been good.

Most difficult: While I was checking my mail inbox and placing my facebook notifications in my "saved mail" folder, I couldn't help but think, "Why are you still writing me on facebook?! Don't you know what happened!?" I should send them an owl to let them know what's happening ( Showing some Harry Potter love!). Why do they persist in writing me!? IT'S TORTURE, I TELL YOU! TORTURE!
What I learned: I miss people. Also, this is off topic, but some of these pranks on MTV's Pranked border on abuse.

The Facebook Diet: Day 3

Alright, yesterday was a bump in the road. We're fine today. In fact, the number of times I thought about facebook lessened. I'm pretty sure that's true. There's no way to prove that's correct. But at least I didn't feel as down as I did yesterday.

Here's what I noticed. I rely on facebook to let everyone in on my thoughts at different points of the day. Instead of thinking, "Gee, I should text/call SOMEONE about this...", I instantly think, "Oh man. I have to post that on my status.

Here are the random things I wanted to update my status with:

I'm at the mall. If I were a guy all alone watching the kids play in the play area, I'd be way creepy right now."

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Harry Potter marathon this weekend!

There are a bunch of sales at the mall today. Is that why it's claustrophobically busy? Or maybe I just haven't gone to the mall on the weekend for a while.

YES! Thanksgiving tips and meals on Food Network is back!

Google "Kelly Pickler" and "Ellen". You will laugh your arse off.

Officially a Miranda Lambert fan.

So yeah, there you go. Random thoughts I'd rather not text or call someone to say.

Mood: A bit relieved, unconcerned, sleepy

Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: There wasn't one. My mom kept asking me to get on facebook to see if my sister in law posted new pictures and I had to explain to her what my "facebook diet" was and why I wouldn't get on. That was as interesting as it got.

Most difficult: Nothing was extremely difficult. I just hope no one contacted me on facebook about hanging out.

What I learned: I have a lot of stupid, random thoughts that I'd like everyone to know. What do I do with those stupid, random thoughts now? Should I record them and lay them out in a barrage of updates when I go back to facebook? Or just let them die and fly to stupid, random thoughts heaven?

Goodnight. Go towards the light, my stupid, random thoughts.

The Facebook Diet: Day 2

Call it a sophomore slump, the facebook hangover, or the first signs of facebook abandoner's remorse, but today was harder than yesterday. Once the glitz and glamour of resisting the urge to visit facebook wore off -and today was that was today-I felt lonely.

I know. It sounds sad. But the feeling was akin to sitting at a restaurant by yourself, as I would imagine it to be. You feel like someone's supposed to join you, or you're waiting for someone, and no one shows up. You're pretty sure that you can find someone to join you, but you've already decided to go it alone. You just keep forgetting that you've made that decision.

I couldn't figure out if I was stressing from the worry that I might accidentally visit facebook, or if I was stressing from the lack of communication. Yikes.

Mood: Stressed and lonely


Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: It happened again! Around 5 pm, my fingers typed in the letters f-a-c-e-b-o-o-k  on their own and I almost went there. I quickly stopped my ipod from loading. But it wasn't funny today.

Most difficult: I felt like I should be recieving more texts or calls. But it was pretty slow today. Talk about a wake up call.

What I learned: I rely too much on facebook for connection with my friends. Without the comfort of facebook, I felt disconnected from everyone. Did I miss an invite? Did I miss a long, legendary, status chain of comments? Are people planning something? Did anyone miss me? This is not a good feeling. Maybe I'll text-harass everyone tomorrow.

The Facebook Diet: Day 1

Today wasn't so bad. Being at work for the better part of the day made avoiding facebook easy. I took my lap-top with me so I could blog, and I'm proud to say that I successfully resisted the urge to peek on facebook.

The difficulty of avoiding facebook came once the evening arrived. By 4:57 pm (not that I was checking or anything), I noticed an unusual hike in my need for a facebook fix. At one point I intended to type in a website address that has nothing to do with facebook. I swear to you that my fingers, at their own accord, took me to facebook.com.

dum dum dummmmmmmm .......

Luckily, I was prepared for such a situation and had officially signed out of facebook yesterday to avoid going straight into my home page through accident or break down. I found myself at the sign in page. Finding yourself at the sign-in page of a website you're trying to avoid but cannot because your fingers have the urge to go there anyway is actually funny (which is why I laughed out loud). But it also taught me how determined and obliging my fingers are to type the letters f-a-c-e-b-o-o-k regardless of my intent. Scary.

Mood: Proud

Closest "falling off the wagon" moment: Around 5 pm, when my fingers took me to the site. I felt like I should've visited facebook 4-5 times at this point. Thank you Grilled Cheesus-I was signed out.

Most difficult: To avoid the urge to open and read my notifications in my AOL mailbox. But I did it. I want to do this cleanly. Reading everything people are writing to me on facebook would be cheating, me thinks.

What I learned: It felt good not visiting facebook today. Instead of being disappointed in missing the new posted photos or fun status updates, I was more relieved I didn't have to see so many of my stressors. Interesting. We'll see how well this holds up tomorrow.

The Facebook Diet

Everything in moderation, right?

Facebook entered our lives only a few short years ago, but it seems that it's become such an indelible part of our lives that we can barely remember life before it.

I remember the first time I was introduced to it by a friend of mine who already had an account. It started out as a fun, unprecedented way of checking up on your former school mates and eventually some newer ones.

As we scrolled through her facebook friends, I marvelled at the ones who seemed so successful so soon, was genuinely happy to check up on a few who I hadn't heard from for a few years, but was even more fascinated by the others whose lives and images seemed so different than what we came to know them as in high school.

In the beginning, facebook was special because it was both exclusive and connective. Only a select number of college email accounts were recognized for you to create your own facebook page. Then you could request to be a part of the lives of people who you used to see every day. These were people who were such a big part of your formative years, for better or worse.

Then somewhere along the way, the exclusivity vanished and I started recieving requests from people I didn't know. I used to only have to worry about whether I should remember you, now I had to worry about whether or not I ever met you...

...or if I should accept you because you're a friend of a friend of a friend

...or if I should accept you because the consequence of not accepting you would mean you hating me until the end of time, even though we didn't know each other that well and we could potentially be friends in the future. I know. So complex. (For the record, my facebook policy is: if I don't know you, you aren't my facebook friend.That's right-I had to create a policy.)

Then something that should've been predictable happened. Oversaturating myself with my connections became emotionally taxing. My curiousity became a curse. I wanted to hear what everyone was up to, but hearing what everyone was up to became a stressor.

Don't get me wrong, there are great qualities to facebook. There are friends and family who live in different cities and different parts of the world that I can keep in touch with. What's not to love about that? It was impossible to keep up with them before, unless you liked spending time on the phone or emailing. But anyone who knows me knows that I'm one of those people who doesn't like spending time on the phone. At all. And emailing seems too formal. I hate the generic emails in which I ask, "Hi! How are you? Tell me about yourself and what's happening in your life," over and over. It feels worse when you don't really have anything to reply.

Facebook allows us to stay connected to issues both domestic and foreign. I like hearing about issues my friends are passionate about, the ways they are affected first hand or the interesting reads they suggest. Facebook also gives us the opportunity to stay informally but emotionally connected, whether that's through the posted pictures, funny videos or songs we love.

But let's get real here. There's a lot of grandstanding. We've all been guilty of it to a certain extent. It feels like, at times, we can become self promoters with our own lives being the products. I'm not going to lie. It can be fun. But it can also be bad, because too much of anything is bad.

While we can usually quantify the effects of, say, over-eating through weight, it seems less obvious the effects of facebook. I can only describe some of the negative side effects as envy, stress, annoyance, ridicule, and anxiety.

Facebook has become sort of an addiction. Anyone regularly and willingly subjecting themselves to those negative side effects is either crazy or addicted. So the healthy solution is to scale back my facebooking.

Yesterday I decided to go on a facebook diet. I'm starting small: Seven days. But give me credit. In facebook time, seven days is like seven weeks. There will be so much up-to-the-minute information that I'll miss! But I believe it's for the best. I will not go on facebook.com. I will not open my aol notifications from facebook. (I've already started saving them in a folder to open and devour when I am officially off the diet.)

For seven days I'll attempt to document the phases of my withdrawal and its effect on my life. If I go into cold sweats or start vomiting- you'll know. If my body start twitching as I go through large amounts of pain, or experience hallucinations like demons being exorcised from my body- you'll know that too. I really hope those things don't happen, though. Wish me luck!

To Forgive is Not to Forget

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of forgiveness lately.

It's one of the hardest thing a person can do---to forgive. It's not just about pride, it's about trying to prevent a wrong from being committed...again. It's about having self esteem and not allowing someone to bring it down. It's about laying down boundaries and telling someone "You can't cross this one."

The "F" word is a tricky deal, especially when forgiveness pertains to friendship. You make a bargain with someone, trade some trust with the understanding that we will both value and handle it with care. Trust just happens to be the most fragile of valuables. We throw it back and forth until someone drops it, and then we wonder why we were so quick to toss it in the first place.

It is strange how the inner turmoil you tackle with before you reach forgiveness does not come with an expiration date. It takes its own time. You can't just snap your fingers and forgive, just like you can't just snap your fingers and trust. I only know that the deepest of broken trusts, like the deepest of scars, never actually fade. They're there as a reminder to teach you what your mind, like your body, can handle.

Yet, as soon as we're ready to forgive, a weight is lifted because we don't forgive for them, we forgive for ourselves. Still, we can never go back to square one thanks to a little thing called memory. As long as we have it, we never go back to the beginning. Life doesn't have one big rewind button. (But wouldn't it be great if it did?)

Even though we forgive at our own pace, apologies makes a big difference. Sometimes who tells you sorry-and means it-gives you this newfound option of forgiving sooner than later. They are telling you that you can rid of this pain now. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what they've done. It doesn't mean you give them an easy out or excuse their behavior. It only means you won't be held prisoner to their action anymore.

Look, I'm not saying that everyone deserves forgiveness or that people who can't forgive are necessarily wrong. I often wonder about people who are thrust into terrible situations and find the ability to forgive. I don't know if I'd be able to do that. I hope I never have to make that decision. But from sample size, I know that carrying around the burdon of their actions isn't yours to carry.

Think of your emotions like a meteorology report. Anger clouds your judgement. Your life becomes a stormy mess and it's up to you to pick up the debris left behind and clear away the mess. If you choose to forgive, don't forget what happened and ignore the warnings. Just move forward, keep your inner doplar on storm watch and enjoy the sunny days ahead.

What 20 Innings Will Teach You

With the Cards losing to the Mets, 2-1 in...get this... a 20 inning game, we learned a few things-

1. Lopez is all around entertaining:

Ladies and gentleman- he fields, he hits grand slams and now we know he can pitch a scoreless inning during a 20 inning marathon.

2. The longer a game lasts, the harder it is to leave:

I couldn't do anything else. Especially after the 11th inning. Not that I don't usually ignore things around me during Cards games, but this game left me alone in my house-in the dark-and refusing to communicate with anyone through anything more than a text.

3. The Mets really didn't want to win:

I know you're thinking, "But they won! The Cards lost!" Perhaps we should rewind to the ...18th inning (?), when LaRussa pretty much conceded the game by throwing utility guys Felipe Lopez, and in the two subsequent innings, Joe Mather, out on to the mound to play the role of pitcher. Why didn't the Mets score, like, eight runs?

Not to play "Mean Girl", but do they really like us or something? I know you will counter with the argument that the Cardinals didn't really seem to want to win either, but I have a theory. We'll get there. Just a few more...

4. Lopez and Mather take "utility" to a whole new level:

They will do anything. Let's see what else we can make them do!

5. Some people are too lazy to leave their nosebleed seats and move down to the luxury seats:

In one of the latter innings, the Fox camera was focused on one fan, then slowly panned out to show him sitting in the third upper deck all alone. Why are you so lazy and sad, drama queen?

6. McCarver becomes funny when the game gets too long:

I was annoyed with him in the beginning, as usual. He talked about Garcia's no-hitter from the third inning on. He kept saying things like, "This player NEVER..." and "This player ALWAYS..." as if to purposefully jinx them. Then, somewhere around the 14th inning, he became funny. Or maybe I got delirious.

7. We get geeky when they get human:

Nerd Alert! Every Cardinal fan I've talked to thus far cannot stop geeking-out over the inning Lopez pitched. We find it highly amusing and humorous that Lopez and other players (Like Wainwright! And Pujols!) were also cracking up at the situation. Call it infectious joy.

They usually spend a lot of time masking their emotions. It gets boring listening to the usual cliched remarks after every game. That was some real emotion in an unreal situation. And we loved it.

And how about a theory:

In the spirit of the final season of the epically awesome series Lost and Doc Jensen's lengthy, baffling, and "out-there" theories featured at ew.com, I couldn't help but come up with an explanation for this *illogical game.

*Illogical because we could not, for the life of us, score a run---even with our runners at second and third with NO OUTS in the 14th. Not a characteristic of a LaRussa team!

It may be crazy, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the Cardinals were stuck in a limbo world. It was almost like purgatory. It was as if the baseball powers were telling us,

"Big Mac as hitting coach? Not without a price! You must remain in this game against the only other team that will not score, the Mets (who are apparently on their way to Hell). Once you have suffered through the imposed penance and atoned for this sin, we will re-evaluate."

Yes. I was thinking this during the game. Hey, it was 20 innings long. Do you blame me?

When I Was Your Age...

There's a universal truth that people don't tell you, but you eventually realize for yourself. As you age, you start to become your parents. They told their stories about walking through the snow and we'd roll our eyes so many times, only people possessed by demons could rival us. But they were trying to push whatever point they were making across...usually when we were whining and complaining that we were victims of some unjust universe that chose us as the first group to torture in the history of mankind (prophets and minorities aside). I'm quite sure that when they were teenagers, they complained about the unfairness of some situation and their parents told them something about how they had to hunt for their food or flipped a coin for who'd be able to eat that day. You know, the usual.

You can probably FEEL yourself aging---not necessarily by the number of birthdays one celebrates, but by the number of things you vowed you'd never eat, do, or say... that you're now eating, doing, and saying. If you want to get a two hour explanation about how life generally works, pop The Lion King into the DVD player. Hummy yana, hummy hummy yanna..It's the circle of life....and it moves us all....

It's all very freaky. For the love of God, I want less frosting on my cake! If I told 10 year old me that in 16 years I'd take frosting OFF my cake, I wouldn't have believed older me and, again, just rolled my eyes-because at that age, rolling your eyes is one of the staples of being rebellious and yet the least rebellious way of showing your distaste for something.

But the kids these days-they don't appreciate anything! Yeah, mom and dad say that. Grandma and Grandpa say that. And now I'm saying it.

Everything is so instantaneous. They need to watch movies... in their cars...NOW. They can't wait until they get home...The Incredibles cannot wait! When driving behind some mini-van, I still find myself mesmerized, my eyes fixed on the glowing TV screen in front of me, and I think, "you stupid spoiled brats!" Probably the same thing old people said the first time they saw kids riding in a car instead of a carriage.

If their eyes aren't entertained at all times, then their ears need to be. These kids need to carry around 1,000 songs at all times. I mean, I get why they need it. Who knows if they'll need to alienate themselves from the world at a moment's notice.

Also, seriously, why does a 10 year old need a cell phone? Where is your child meandering about that they need to have you on-call to pick them up? And where are they going where there are no operable telephones or another adult's cellphone to call you from?

Truth be told, I'm jealous. I could've used portable DVD players on those car rides, alienated myself even further with IPods and I promise you I would've avoided the most unnecessary situations ever if I just had a damn cell phone in the vicinity when I was growing up. I'm sure it would've made my parents' lives a lot easier too. But I'm getting older and I have to point out the things I didn't have and the things I had to do to get by. This is the way of life (Hummy yanna, hummy hummy yanna). When these kids are older, they'll probably lament about how when they were younger, they had to drive to school instead of fly. They'll complain about how they had to watch T.V. instead of absorbing it. They'll probably tell their younger cousins about how they wore regular clothes instead of temperature controlled space suits or something.

Let the eye rolling begin! I want to tell these kids that we used to huddle around a gas heater and complain about who was taking up the most heat. You could probably tell who was abusing the heater space by the number of charred holes in their clothing. Our cat wasn't immune either. I don't know how many times I had to put out Kitty's tail. "Kitty!" I'd scream. "Your tail's on firrrrre!" (because you talk to your pet, like a member of the family, even though I'm pretty sure I've never said the words "Sho Sho! Your tail's on fire!") By the way, the cat didn't care. He just wanted warmth as much as the rest of us (which proved he was really one of us). It was damn cold, for sure.

When I was younger, we didn't always have heated water. Mom used to have to heat up the water over the stove and then pour it over our heads! Then we'd curse the country as we huddled by the gas heater, shivering from cold and anger. Heck, we didn't always have water! "No water today!?" one of us would ask in exasperation. "Damn those Israelis and their damn swimming pools" another would add, almost matter of factly.

Go ahead, ask me how much lunch money we took to school. First of all, lunch money wasn't always a given. But when we did get it, we'd be lucky if we had a shekel and a half, the equivalent of 45 cents at the time. We'd feel like we were oil tycoons if we got two and a half shekels. When we did get to the "lunch room", we had to fight for lunch. We'd be lucky if we got our lunch in time. Let me describe the jungle known as the lunch room. The lunch room looked like the commodities and futures trading pits of the NYSE. Or perhaps you've seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off? The scene where all the stock exchange dudes are screaming and gesturing their hands is pretty much what our lunch room looked like. It was survival of the fittest. Only the people who fought the hardest ate. Part of the challenge was getting the cafeteria man's attention. The other challenge was convincing them you already gave them your lunch money but they still hadn't given you your lunch. If you ordered something that they cooked there, you ran the risk of eating something that wasn't fully cooked. I sometimes gave away my pizza when the dough wasn't cooked. I tried to usually soldier through it, but sometimes I just couldn't eat uncooked dough (call me a spoiled little American). It was generally safer to eat something that was pre-packaged, like a candy bar. Of course, pre-packaged items weren't always danger proof. I once made the mistake of ordering a fruit drink that was expired and that the government had warned us not to drink. But I was a kid and I trusted that the fruit drink at school would be safe, even though mom also warned us. Ok, that's a lie. I knew the school I went to wouldn't put our safety first, but I was thirsty! And I only had a half shekel left, which was only enough to buy a Fruity! Needless to say, I had to stay home from school for a week due to food poisoning. You hear that, kids!? I was poisoned! So don't say your lunch food is like poison unless you are literally poisoned!

But that's neither here nor there. Part of accepting "the circle of life" is realizing the people before you always had it worse. No matter how cold you were, how thirsty you were or how food poisoned you were, the people before you walked barefoot in the snow, didn't try water until they were 8 and were lucky if they had cooked meat once a year. Just let them complain, so that when you're their age, you can return the favor to these spoiled little brats when they grow up and realize they've become their own parents.

Till we find our place...On the path unwinding...In the Circle....The Circle of Life!

Idiot's Guide to Being a Cards Fan

Things casual Cardinals fans must know in order to be accepted by more seasoned Cardinals fans...

1. There is only one appropriate spot to meet someone before a Cards game. That spot is the Stan Musial statue. If you attempt to meet anywhere else, you will find yourself deliriously circling the stadium like some stupid dinosaur or zombie with no sense of self or direction. This is not fun.

2. Do not scream and cheer for the pop-fly every single time. This lazy attempt to be the first to cheer for a "home run" that is obviously not a home run embarasses the rest of us sitting by you, for you.

3. Although it is fun to sit closer to the field down below because you're closer to the action, the people aren't as fun as the ones further up. The fans down below feel obligated to appear "civil" which, to them, means sitting quietly and only occassionally clapping politely. This is mistaken for civility, when in actuality it is an obvious waste of a seat and fan space. Perhaps we should learn a lesson from these games, and yes, the film Titanic. Having more money doesn't always mean more fun. The power is with you.

4. Having said that, if anyone ever offers you great seats, take them or give them to me.

5. The wave will die down if done at an inopportune time. Do not attempt to start the wave when we are about to score. People will forget to 'wave' and will cheer and clap instead, as they should.

6. It helps if you can differentiate between "hits", "runs" and "errors" on the scoreboard.

7. Know who we're playing that day. It shouldn't be hard, since the opposing team's name is lit up on the scoreboard.

8. Don't talk to me or get in my way while I'm watching the "Cap Dance" routine. I need to correctly answer which cap the baseball is under. So do thousands of other people.

9. About 5,000 people will always leave when there are 24-26 outs. They feel like leaving 5 minutes earlier than the rest of us will save them 2 hours. This is true for every game.

10. If you pay attention, you will know who's walking to the batter's box by their song alone. Case in Point:

• Yadier Molina-Sean Paul's "Temperature".
• Ryan Ludwick-Beastie Boy's "Funky Monkey".
• Albert Pujols- something Jesus-y
• Adam Wainwright-something Country

And songs from past players I will never forget:

• Scott Rolen-Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'"
• David Eckstein-Ludacris's "Number one spot"
• Mark Grudzielanek- Rob Thomas's "Lonely No More"

11. At some point in the future-should you become a seasoned Cards fan who watches a number of games- you'll discover that it's a good idea to mute the game on FSN-Midwest every once in a while to maintain your sanity. You should limit your exposure to Dan McLaughlin and Al Hrabosky or risk taking a bat to your television set. A sense of uncontrollable anger at one of their pointless/uninformative/childish comments is one of the many side effects you may suffer.

12. It's ok to yell at Cubs fans while you're at a game. Some of them deserve it. I've done it before.

13. Although the man is a genius, you are allowed to use the line, "Come ON, Tony" in total frustration during the following moments:

• When he makes his 12th pitching change.
• When the Cards make some amazing comeback and he refuses to even smile.
• When he puts Dennys Reyes in the game.

14. Dennys Reyes is the short, squat relief pitcher who allows hits no matter the game situation.

That's all for today. If anything else pops into my head, I'll make sure to update this list!

The Rules of Boater Shopping

I must have missed the memo. Apparently every boater immigrant who lives in America must shop like they did back home. If you were to find such memo, it would probably look something like the following-

Hello, How you are? You live in country with styoobid leaders bas nice stores. You must shob like smart berson. Not styoobid idiot. Here how:

1. Say "I want...(so and so)" and "Give me (so and so), not 'may I' or 'can I?' or 'can you'. Only styoobid peoples say this. Ex.- "I want the calling card" or "Give me Shawirma" or "Give me that".

2. Always ask, "You speak Arabic?" or "You speak Urdu?" It not matter where are you living. They must speak your language.

3. If you want the bread, ask for it in your language, no matter where you from and where workers from.

4. Order sandwich like you order coffee at the Stars and Bucks. Say, "Give me Shawirma. Give me no pickles. Give me light spice. Give me no onions. I want well done. Give me extra sauce. That first sandwich. For second sandwich, give me..."

5. Comblain on prices. They are so, so expensive. 'Why the bread cost this much? Why the sandwich cost this much? Why the yogurt cost this much?' It is too much! If you buy many things, and cost is too high for you, you say "WOW! That is too much!" Sometimes screaming like monkey in jungle (even if you are dragging oxygen tank around) helbs to lower price.

6. Say, "You looks tired" to workers. They can not hear it enough.

7. Ask for workers to cut sandwiches 10 minutes after you get sandwiches. It not matter if there are 20 beoble in front of you.

8. Leave shobbing carts 8 miles away from store. Workers like searching for carts.

9. Ask for white sauce ingredients. We want the secret. Keeb asking until someone is styoopid and tells you secret.

10. Ask for calling card that you see not there. Then act very, very disabboint. Stand there for 10 minutes to decide what to do next. More drama, better.

And that was memo for today. Make sure you bring your bad kids to leave chocolate bieces all over floor. They must be loud.

one thousand and one thanks,

Boater in Chief

Life Reflections in Disney

I'm an over-analyzer. So much so, in fact, that I prefer essay questions in tests over multiple choice. Maybe because I prefer to prove how much I understand in writing (figures), but multiple choice questions make me feel like the poster child for ADHD. My mind often works like this...

Ok, I want to choose A, because B sounds stupid. But wouldn't C, all of the above, ACTUALLY WORK? Is that what the instructor wants me to choose? You know, technically...hey, is that a bagel? I didn't know you could bring bagels into the test. Wait, I hope no one sees me looking. I'm not cheating. I don't have to cheat. I studied. Crap, I've been spending at least 2 minutes on this question. That average time wasted per question won't leave me enough time to finish this exam. So A, B, or C? Ok, I have to skip this and come back. I hope my stomach growling is not loud enough to distract other people. I think the person next to me just flinched. I'm sorry that it sounds like the Hulk is trying to get out of my stomach. I ate 2 hours ago. I thought I was good. Didn't someone say that C is most likely the correct answer if you can't decide? Or should I go with my initial choice. Damn this teacher and his trickery! Damn him!

I wish I could honestly tell you this is an exaggeration. But it is not. So now you understand the scope of my problem. That said, I was thinking about famous characters from Disney and how they actually represent people you may come across in life. Some of these character traits are a little exaggerated (unless someone is literally trying to usurp your rightful place as king, for example) and some are pretty much right on. You decide who these people represent in your life. In no particular order:

1. Beast (Beauty and the Beast, duh): Looks tough, but is sensative deep down inside. Tries to hide sensativity with a crazy temper. Probably Arab-which explains the hairyness.

2. Captain Hook (Peter Pan): The person that won't let something go. There's persistance and then there's obsessive. Seriously, just let go. It'll improve your health.

3. Centipede (James and the Giant Peach): The person that doesn't know their boundaries. They will keep going until they literally put your group in danger or fighting ensues. Don't be surprised if the cops get involved. Everyone's yelled at them at some point.

4. Doc (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs): The person too old to be hanging out with you. They should probably hang it up and join some sort of harmless, organized fun (i.e. Bingo). Otherwise they'll complain about how their wild days are over the whole time.

5. Dory (Nemo): You hated them to begin with. They still say the stupidest things. It took you a while to appreciate them, but you eventually came around. You might even enjoy their company now. Tell 'em you used to hate them just for the hell of it. They won't care.

6. Fifi the Featherduster (Beauty and the Beast) : Known for promiscuity and sex appeal. This person ain't called the "featherduster" for no reason. (See also-Jessica Rabbit of Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

7. Flotsam and Jetsam (The Little Mermaid): Every a-hole has an entourage. They do nothing but encourage the idiocy of said a-hole. They laugh at all the jokes, provide annoying commentary on mundane situations, and plot evil things. Their eyes might give it away.

8. Flounder (The Little Mermaid): The Robin to your Batman. What's the saying? "A Friend Is Someone Who Will Bail You out of Jail, but Your Best Friend Is the One Sitting next to you Saying 'That Was F***ing Awesome!" (see also-Timon and Pumbaa of The Lion King)

9. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast): Initially thought to be good looking until they spoke. You now wonder why the admiration for their looks ever existed. Looks don't make up for stupid or crazy.

10. Meeko (Pocahontas): How did they get in? You don't know. They're just there.

11. Abu (Aladdin): OH, haha, right...wait...what? Usually nonsensical, this person seems to be around for some talent you apparently can't do without. (See also-Rafiki of The Lion King)

12. Cogsworth (Beauty and the Beast): The little b*tch- always there to tell you what you can't do and why you can't. (See also- Sebastion of The Little Mermaid, Zazu of The Lion King)

13. Scar (The Lion King): As if this weren't obvious...the backstabber. They also may attempt to usurp you from your rightful place as King, depending on your standing in life.

14. Tinker Bell (Peter Pan): The jealous type. There for drama. Usually a victim of responsible for unresolved issues.

15. Thumper (Bambi): The know it all. They correct you even when they're wrong. What you wouldn't give to punch them in the ovaries.

16. Tigger (The Many Adventures of Winny the Poo): An endless source of inexplicable energy. There's no reason to see them late at night or early in the morning.

17. Eeyore (The Many Adventures of Winny the Poo): On suicide watch. The glass is not half empty, it is shattered and currently being used as a weapon to cut themselves with to "feel something".

18. Scuttle (The Little Mermaid): Misinformation extraordinaire. If you want the most fantastic load of crap you've ever heard, you'll probably hear it from this person. They don't mean to lie, but they can't help that they're slow.

19. Pinocchio (Pinocchio): You need to call them on their bull crap or they'll keep at it. "Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to meet at 7!" Stop lying, you LIAR! You and Thumper are such @$$holes!

20. Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland): Creepster. Everyone else seems to like them, but you still don't trust them (and rightfully so). See also: Everyone else in Alice in Wonderland.

Foggy Information

There was a fog that passed through St. Louis for over a week. Some people said it gave St. Louis a nightmarish quality. It reminded them of what they imagined the end of the world would look like. Most just complained they were simply uncomfortable with the feeling of not being able to see out of this small confined space as they drove.

No one can deny the uneasiness that accompanies uncertainty. Your main focus is to get to your destination safely. You're too busy focusing on the few feet you can see around you. Thinking about the vulnerability of driving a vehicle over 60 miles an hour surrounded by a thick layer of cloud that impedes your vision is enough to make a sane person panic. You have to fight the urge to pull over and just wait til the gloom leaves the area. But who knows how long it'll last. So everyone keeps driving because they have to get home.

...the foggy drive is one big flipping metaphor for life. Have you read a newspaper or seen the news? The only thing public officials are really good at is making one bad decision after another. Why are we flooded with this nonsense CNN calls news. How does it really affect us if Brangelina break up? Why are there a few hours a day devoted to celebrity gossip on that station? Look, there are hundreds of people who go missing every day. Why is only one girl who went went missing after a Metallica concert getting all the attention? I'm sure there are thousands of parents who are worried about their missing children. Why are there only five kids (give or take) whose name and face we've been forced to memorize and prioritize above the rest? Why are more questions being asked than answered?

...I'm sick of people complaining about helping Haiti. "We don't even have money to fix our economy" they claim. Apparently we don't have ANY money to help some surviving orphans and a country destroyed by a natural disaster. But we have enough money to support two ridiculous wars overseas. I love the misplaced outrage. It could be considered charming if we were Klingons. tlhIngan maH!

...(Hypocrite alert!) What I'm about to say is absolutely and ridiculously unimportant and miniscule in the grand scheme of things. I understand it goes against the point I was just trying to make...but I would love to meet the head of NBC and ask him "Why?" before I drop-kick him. There have been few things in my life that I could rely on over the past ten years. One is my anger at Israel's racist policies and Apartheid, and America's blinding support. Another is my mother's instinct to force-feed me. And the other is Conan O'Brien. He was there when I first came back to America and fell in love with his "Inappropriate" skits in which he played a British rocker who yelled "Inappropriate!" when someone did something like fart in an elevator. He gave us insulting, comic dogs and masturbating bears. And he pulled levers (and on my heart strings) to give us the most magnificent clips in the history of television in the form of Walker: Texas Ranger. And then, just like that, he was taken away from us. I hate you, N.B.C. I hate you. (**sniffle**)

...I always enjoy Congress's displays when they know there's a T.V. on them. This includes Obama's State of the Union address. I've broken down the speech as so---

1. The minority leader of the House is (R)Boehner. Is that pronounced like I think it is?
2. Democrats and Republicans can agree on quite a few things, believe it or not! Things like:

• They do NOT accept second place for America.
• They both like Nuclear Power Plants (an image of Homer Simpson just popped into my head)
• They love the idea of off-shore oil drilling (Oil is to Congress as blood is to Edward Cullen).
• They love community colleges!
• They like Michelle Obama tackling childhood obesity. (They must really HATE fat kids!)
• They like bringing DOWN the deficit (who knew!?)
• They hate lobbyists! All of them! Every single one of them hates those lousy lobbyists and would never have anything to do with them!
• They want to restore "Pay As You Go".
• They think it's funny to have monthly meetings between Republicans and Democrats.
• They...wait for it...SUPPORT NATIONAL SECURITY (Where is this coming from?! Who are these people?!)
• They support ending the wars (that they started) and sending troops home (some day).
• Everybody thought the story of the 8 year old boy from Louisiana sending his allowance to Pres. Obama to help the people of Haiti was the cutest thing ever. They all AW'ed to which I thought, "keep these people away from your children". By the way, they do not think Palestinian children are cute. I've just deduced this.

Anyways, that's all you need to know about that. 2010 is all about jobs. Healthcare Reform is so 2009.

...As we swat away all this information flying at our faces in the hope of catching a glimpse of truth behind it all, we focus on the little things around us that make sense. The weather (sort of), T.V. shows like Lost or Glee (or whatever makes you happy), what sort of people we want to surround us in life. We are an ambitious generation with unlimited potential and a limited number of jobs. And so we try to control what we can. Do I get caramel or Mocha? 8 GB or 16 GB? Do I go out or save gas money? Because everyone is lying to us about Healthcare Reform. Everyone is lying to us about foreign policy. Everyone is lying to us about whether or not they took steroids or why they did. Sometimes fighting the fog feels pointless. Maybe you just keep driving and hope it clears up. That's why you gotta admire the people who forge into the thickness of it and look for clarity.