Ramadan: Strugglin' to Be the Model Muslim

"Hey Ahmed, pass me the bread!"

Let's face the facts. Observing Ramadan doesn't always bring out the best in us. I know I'm reserving a spot in hell or something with what I'm saying, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible.


Listen, I understand that Ramadan is not about being perfect. (It's pretending to be perfect! Not Really. Just kidding. Please don't punish me, God.)  It's a month in which we strive for patience and understanding.  It's self reflection and empathy with the hungry. It's not just abstinence from food and water- otherwise you'd just be starving yourself, so I'm told. It's about seeking solace in your religion and prayers. It's attempting to purge yourself of your shallow and often whiny attitude about life, and those evil thoughts and actions. Oh, those evil thoughts and actions will be the literal downfall of us all.


So it's kind of fun to observe the casual Muslims from your everyday life attempting to do just that. We all have our issues.

 For some of us, our evil action of choice is cussing. For the foul mouthed Muslim trying to curb their sinful behavior during Ramadan, some sentences sound like this:

Holy shnikey that's a wowzer.

or this...

Mushy pants on your face, you hear me?! Mushy pants on your face!

or even perhaps this...

mother [bleeep!] Damn, I just cussed. Oh shoot. I did it again. Son of a monkey's uncle! Forgive me God!

For others, it's filling our heads with mindless, gutter dwelling television and music.

Oh we try to convince ourselves we're doing okay because we've somehow avoided watching MTV 2 or BET, but in our attempt to make the hours slip by more quickly, we forget to pick up a Quran and, you know, read it. Instead, the poor sucker travels effortlessly from youtube video to youtube video.

Why hello new Britney Spears video! When did you come out? And aren't you looking mighty fit and not-insane at the moment, Brit!

and then there's this...

I just need to know if the new "Moves Like Jagger" video came out. I just need to know!

For another portion of the population, the guilty pleasure resides in the kingdom of tabloidery. Eonline, people, [insert other celebrity watch site]...the list goes on and on.

Sometimes Casey Anthony news can't wait. Or you need to know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling about her divorce. Or you'd like to know how Jennifer Aniston and her new boyfriend are doing. I'm not judging you! I'm just acknowledging your existence!

I personally love all the Grumpy McGrumpersons in our lives. Again, I'm not judging, because this may include me. A conversation with Grumpy McGrumperson may look like this:

You: Did you hear what the meteorologist said the weekend would look like?

Grumpy McGrumperson: 100 [bleepin] degrees of hell. Hot [bleepin] fire crawling all up your [bleep]. Ask me again what the temperature is, punk [bleep] [bleep].

You: Wow, I was just asking.

Grumpy McGrumperson: (in mocking tone) "oh! I was just asking!" you pansy [bleep].

or maybe you've heard something like this...

You: What are we eating tonight?

Grumpy McGrumperson: Food.

You: That's funny. What kind of food?

Grumpy McGrumperson: The human kind.

You: Ok, is mom there? Can I talk to her?

Grumpy McGrumperson: Only if you never call here again ::Hangs up the phone::


And finally there are the delusional-I-can't-survive-another-minute-what-is-this-hunger-strike-or-heat-stroke?-please-help-me-God-I-can't-make-it people:

You: Did you see that new Mac commercial?

Desperado: What? Big Mac? Huh? ::falls onto the ground::


Desperado: Is it getting dark in here?

You: What? No, it's the same as it's been for the last 2 hours.

Desperado: What? What's happening? I can't think. Can you tell mom I love her?

So good for you if you have a house full of angels! The rest of us are these people. Please accept our fasts, oh Lord. And please forgive us for being terrible examples for the children.

Ameen.
Godspeed on your remaining days of Ramadan, fellow Muslims.