Life in the Third World

I'm ready to let you know a little bit more about my life. I'm not only a Cardinals fan, ya know. Sure I love that team with the enthusiasm of a fat man at a buffet, but there's more to my life than sports. One of the biggest experiences that have shaped the way I am and how my life has become was having lived in Palestine for five years. Chances are, unless you lived under a rock for most of your life, you've heard about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. I'm not here to get into specifics (we'll save that for another day). Instead I thought it would be interesting to point out the most memorable parts of my life, living in an occupied country. I didn't live in the best or worst situation, just our own personal situation for that time. Here's what I learned.

• Lizards are really hard to kill. No seriously, they're like Superman. I found myself having to go serial killer on their ass' and chop them into pieces. It seems that they can regrow tails. So, if you're ever in the situation where you have to duel a lizard, go for the head or run.
• British people call garbage the "rubbish". It gets even more awkward when they ask you to throw the rubbish into the rubbish. I'm not judging. It's just that I've never heard an american tell me to throw the 'garbage into the garbage'. I mean, you have to add the word "can" in there or use some variety.
• Misquitos are assholes everywhere. Their job is to buzz into your ear, prevent you from sleeping and suck your damn blood. We should stop calling convicted criminals 'felons' and start calling them "misquitos".
• Water is taken for granted in the United States. There were days when there was water and there were days when there wasn't water. Whenever there wasn't water it was the damn Israeli government's fault and whenever there was water, it trickled down like the anorexic part of nature that it was.
• You shouldn't allow your brothers to roll you in a barrel. Even the empty one that's supposed to collect the anorexic water. I learned that a certain washer and drier sort of experience occurs. If you do intend on rolling in a barrel, make sure you hold onto the opening or you're screwed.
• Guys are very perverted no matter what part of the world you're in. I don't know if it's some sort of need to grab attention or whatever Freudian crap you guys go through, but you will sing, dance or stalk a girl anywhere you are in the world. It seems that there's a little bit of Broadway in all of you. Redirect your talent for cheesey, perverted lines and cheap entertainment into your life ambitions and we might have something.
• Scorpians and Snakes are ,indeed,as scary as you think they would be. They aren't any smaller or less scary than they appear on T.V. and they will probably kill you even if you try to avoid them. I find that throwing a large rock at them from a safe distance is the best bet to kill them before they kill you. Don't worry, there is no guilt associated in their death and someone will eventually brush them off the side of the road.
• There exists a breed of Teenage Mutant Ninja Ants. Seriously, these things have grown to three times their size and they hurt you. They are very aggressive and can probably each eat a pizza.
• Americans don't know what sunsets look like. In America, there's that hot, bright thing that kind of disappears as evening falls. In Palestine, there's a huge mass of a star that sets over a back drop of a thousand scenic colors where you don't know where heaven begins and Earth ends. There's a horizon and everything. It's crazy beautiful.
• You can survive off of oranges. Apparently, as five of my other family members and I moved into our grandparents abandoned, built pre-1967 war, 1 bed room home that's located on the grave yard, my mother forgot to actually buy groceries and made sure to stock up on an endless supply of oranges for the first week or two.
• Graveyards aren't that scary. Um, at least, not in the day time.
• When the government tells you to avoid a certain food item, listen to them. I was told not to drink this fruit drink but was left with no choice when I found myself at school during lunchtime and having only a half shekel (the equivalent of 15 cents at the time) and "fruity" as the only liquid I could afford. Needless to say, I was food poisoned for a week.
• Some schools won't stop selling items deemed dangerous by the government. I mean, what the hell?
• Dogs left on their own in nature go crazy -bezerk, cats left on their own remain regular ol' cats. I don't know how many times we were awaken in the middle of the night by gangs of dogs rivaled only by the 'Bloods' and 'Cryps' of Los Angeles. Cats on the other hand, just want some free food and they're good.
• American candy has monetary value among Arab-American children in the Middle East. We saved our American candy for special occasions, close friends and bribes. These things were the equivalent of cigarettes in prison.

Well, that's all I got for ya. There are many more lessons for me to teach you, but alas, my time is up for today. Look forward to future lessons from...

LIFE IN THE THIRD WORLD.