Study: 96-Percent of Boston Sports Fans Have No Idea How Annoying They Are
By Editor, Section Other Sports Posted on Sat Jul 09 2005 at 2:39 PM EST
[Editor's Note: SportsPickle.com always seems to nail issues right on the head. We have a healthy contingent of Boston and NY fans on this site so, of course, this story is perfect. The sad part is that this article is satire, yet could just as easily be a real story.]
According to a study set to be released today by the Center for Sports Research, a whopping 96-percent of Boston sports fans have no idea how unbelievably annoying they are to those who are not supporters of the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics and Bruins.
"It's amazing. The vast majority of these people actually think that they behave just as any other fans do, and that people who have a problem with them are simply jealous," said the study's director, Dr. Michael Kreager, a Princeton sociologist. "When in fact, almost all Boston fans have become obnoxious Massholes of the highest order."
Due to an overwhelming inferiority complex stemming from decades of playing second fiddle to New York, the study found that Boston fans are woefully lacking in knowledge of how to respectfully conduct themselves when one of their teams actually wins. But worse, they revel in their boorish behavior and seem to find more enjoyment in flaunting their good fortune in the faces of others than they do in sincerely celebrating and relishing their teams' achievements.
"The media has only contributed to this problem," said Dr. Kreager. "By harping on the years and years the Red Sox went without a championship as though it was some sort of national tragedy, Boston fans actually started to believe they were more important than fans from other cities and therefore deserved to win more. When in fact, all they were was fans of a crappy franchise."
And when the Red Sox finally won last year - on the heels of two Patriots championships that were then followed by another in February - it created a vicious cocktail that made even the most subdued and casual Boston sports fan into an obnoxious, drunken meathead, unbearably annoying to anyone with different rooting interests.
"I wanted to be happy for these people when the Patriots won, and especially when the Red Sox finally got a World Series, but I found it impossible," said Dan Miller, a Seattle native who now lives outside Boston. "Before I could even congratulate any of my friends or acquaintances they got up in my face, yelling and screaming and saying how my favorite teams suck, or leaving messages on my cell phone gloating about it. So instead of being a mild supporter of Boston teams, now I hate them with every fiber of my being. Same with most of their fans."
The study also found that some 89 percent of Boston fans believe they are the most knowledgeable fan base in the world, when in reality they are no more savvy than any other.
"We found this to be most evident in relation to the Patriots," said Dr. Kreager. "Until they made the Super Bowl in 1997, most New Englanders barely paid attention to football, but now - thanks to the Patriots winning three of the past four years - they seem to believe they invented the game or something and that their city is the epitome of all things football. Of course, once the Patriots inevitably start struggling some day, we expect most of their fans to ignore them again."
The only saving grace for Boston fans - or perhaps more for people who come into regular contact with them - is that the Celtics and Bruins continue to suck. But even in mediocrity, the Masshole-ishness finds a way to shine through.
"I personally found it hilarious that the Celtics managed to squeak into the playoffs this year and lots of Boston fans actually thought they had a legitimate shot of going to the Finals," said Dr. Kreager. "Right, with Paul Pierce, Antoine Walker and Ricky Davis - not to mention Danny Ainge in the front office - you're really a force to be reckoned with. And, of course, now that the Celtics draft has received high marks, they're all guaranteeing a few championships by the end of the decade. I usually try to step back and stay completely objective when I'm studying a group of people, but I have to say - these people are freaking morons. Absolutely unbearable."
Predictably, the ever-belligerent and cantankerous Boston fans do not agree with the study's findings.
"That is wicked stupid. People are just jealous. What - did some Yankees fan make up that study? Probably, `cause the Yankees suck!" said Tommy Reilly, a 27-year old Boston bartender. "Yeah, that's right. You heard me. The Yankees suck!"
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