What the hell is a Jellicle Cat? I have no frickin’ idea. I’m not even taking the time to google “jellicle cats” because I don’t care. Who knew they could make a whole musical out of people dressed up as “jellicle cats.” Who the hell knew?
I entered Fox Theatre for the first time on Saturday for a musical that literally made me question life itself.
“There is no plot,” my cousin, who accompanied me and is responsible for acquiring the tickets from a supposed “friend”, whispered in frustration as we sat before a stage of humans dressed as cats singing about…I still seriously do not know, 10 minutes into the damn thing.
“What the hell is happening? Why is this happening?” I begged to know.
To make a long story short, we sat through song after song about a gay cat that reminded my cousin of Freddy Mercury and reminded me of the transvestite from Transylvania in ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’, a fat cat (seriously, why was he there?), annoying thieve cats-one of which could have also played the gay cat, a bum cat that all the other cats treated like sh*t, and an old cat they admired for some reason-like he was some king-cat. It was a load of creepy nonsense and songs that sucked monkey brains.
Why did I go? The tickets were free and I had never been to Fox Theatre before, so I was curious. I warned my cousin about how stupid this thing looked, especially after having seen a performance from it during a Tony Awards telecast I was watching and can’t remember why.
I wondered about the actors. I wondered if they were desperate to be in anything that happened to do with theater. Then I wondered what I would compare it to. I think it would be like me writing for the local paper about the kind of grass fertilizer people in a community use. Or it would be like writing press releases for a funeral home. Do they do that? If they did, that would be the equivalent of performing in Cats.
Even though my cousin begged to leave before intermission, I insisted on following theater etiquette and staying until the intermission came to escape. Beforehand, we honestly tried not to laugh loud enough for people who were probably…what’s the word…enjoying (???) …it to be annoyed by us. I looked around to see what grown men were doing. Some were sleeping, probably forced to come with their wives after a long day of work.Some were looking around at the much more interesting ceiling décor-like I did-and some were actually, gasp, into it. Those guys probably lost their manhood a long time ago.
Btw, I’d like to give a shout out to the girl who sat in our row and actually tripped on her heels on her way back to her seat and fell into our laps, stabbing my cousin’s foot with her heel. Whatsup girrrrl?!?!
Also, I’ve been listening to a lot of my Harry Potter audio book in my car lately. And I thought that Rowling should’ve made Cats one of the horcruxes. Because that sh*t must’ve had a fragment of Voldemort’s soul into it. That show was evil and seemed to enjoy torturing me.
Anyways, good day.
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