Idiot's Guide to Being a Cards Fan

Things casual Cardinals fans must know in order to be accepted by more seasoned Cardinals fans...

1. There is only one appropriate spot to meet someone before a Cards game. That spot is the Stan Musial statue. If you attempt to meet anywhere else, you will find yourself deliriously circling the stadium like some stupid dinosaur or zombie with no sense of self or direction. This is not fun.

2. Do not scream and cheer for the pop-fly every single time. This lazy attempt to be the first to cheer for a "home run" that is obviously not a home run embarasses the rest of us sitting by you, for you.

3. Although it is fun to sit closer to the field down below because you're closer to the action, the people aren't as fun as the ones further up. The fans down below feel obligated to appear "civil" which, to them, means sitting quietly and only occassionally clapping politely. This is mistaken for civility, when in actuality it is an obvious waste of a seat and fan space. Perhaps we should learn a lesson from these games, and yes, the film Titanic. Having more money doesn't always mean more fun. The power is with you.

4. Having said that, if anyone ever offers you great seats, take them or give them to me.

5. The wave will die down if done at an inopportune time. Do not attempt to start the wave when we are about to score. People will forget to 'wave' and will cheer and clap instead, as they should.

6. It helps if you can differentiate between "hits", "runs" and "errors" on the scoreboard.

7. Know who we're playing that day. It shouldn't be hard, since the opposing team's name is lit up on the scoreboard.

8. Don't talk to me or get in my way while I'm watching the "Cap Dance" routine. I need to correctly answer which cap the baseball is under. So do thousands of other people.

9. About 5,000 people will always leave when there are 24-26 outs. They feel like leaving 5 minutes earlier than the rest of us will save them 2 hours. This is true for every game.

10. If you pay attention, you will know who's walking to the batter's box by their song alone. Case in Point:

• Yadier Molina-Sean Paul's "Temperature".
• Ryan Ludwick-Beastie Boy's "Funky Monkey".
• Albert Pujols- something Jesus-y
• Adam Wainwright-something Country

And songs from past players I will never forget:

• Scott Rolen-Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'"
• David Eckstein-Ludacris's "Number one spot"
• Mark Grudzielanek- Rob Thomas's "Lonely No More"

11. At some point in the future-should you become a seasoned Cards fan who watches a number of games- you'll discover that it's a good idea to mute the game on FSN-Midwest every once in a while to maintain your sanity. You should limit your exposure to Dan McLaughlin and Al Hrabosky or risk taking a bat to your television set. A sense of uncontrollable anger at one of their pointless/uninformative/childish comments is one of the many side effects you may suffer.

12. It's ok to yell at Cubs fans while you're at a game. Some of them deserve it. I've done it before.

13. Although the man is a genius, you are allowed to use the line, "Come ON, Tony" in total frustration during the following moments:

• When he makes his 12th pitching change.
• When the Cards make some amazing comeback and he refuses to even smile.
• When he puts Dennys Reyes in the game.

14. Dennys Reyes is the short, squat relief pitcher who allows hits no matter the game situation.

That's all for today. If anything else pops into my head, I'll make sure to update this list!